The Dallas Legacy

dallaslegacy @ 2008-03-06T22:11:00

2008-03-07T03:11:28Z

Dilemma.

2008-02-29T20:58:30Z

Guys... I want to start a new legacy. See, this is what happened:

I had to reinstall Windows two weeks ago, so I made backups of my Sims folders to drop back in after I reinstalled the game and expansions. I decided to try out BV, which was a huge mistake because it made my game lag so viciously I haven't been able to play more than an hour at a time because it was just too frustrating. So I got rid of BV. I was sure I still had the backups I'd made two weeks ago, but when I went looking for them, they were nowhere to be found. Luckily, I have backups I made after installing BV, so my game files are still there, they just can't be played without BV.

I'll be getting more RAM tomorrow, so I can reinstall BV and play it until I get FT, and then get rid of BV again. But, I've heard people with killer computers complain about BV lag, so there's no guarantee the RAM will help all that much. And I won't be getting FT for at least two weeks, because I can't afford both the RAM and FT all at once, and I don't want to even attempt to run another expansion before I get that RAM.

Or I can extract the Dallases from the BV saves, drop them into a BV-less game, and fix their personalities, skills, jobs, etc. with SimPE. And build them another new house (I'd just finished one two weeks ago). And live with the fact that none of them will have memories or familial ties to their ancestors and I won't have any gravestones and it won't be the real Dallases. I know it's silly to worry about that, but it does bother me.

Or... I can scrap the Dallases and start a new legacy. I think I'm mostly inclined to do this because I was so unbelievably frustrated when playing them over the last two weeks. I know it's not their fault, but all the same, it just made me really sick of them. Also, most of my downloads mysteriously went missing, and although the lovely and amazing simplicist is going to send me her downloads, I don't know when she'll have the time to do it, and I'd rather not start the Dallases again without them. But I could start playing a fresh lot tomorrow with very minimum CC!

Ugh, I don't know. I loved the Dallases, but I'm so weary of them now, and I'd like a fresh start without the headaches of a huge house and eight Sims on the lot. And I'm sure a new legacy would bring the lulz just as much as the Dallases did. So do I really need them?

So, my friends: what do you think?

MOAR QUESTIONZ: Founder names? I'm sort of in love with the surname Faraday right now, but I'm at a loss for a first name.

Generation Five: Part Four

2008-01-29T22:40:57Z

Last week, we followed all four Dallas kids to college, where they had lots of sex, generally with the same people.

Also, the family tree has been updated. I actually had to make an entirely new one because I accidentally flattened the .psd of the other one. OOPS.

Avery, I see you eyeing your sister's new boyfriend. Don't get any ideas. Please?

Avery: HOW DARE THAT BITCH GET MORE SEX THAN ME! GRRRRRRRRR!

Yeah, I wouldn't be too jealous if I were you.

He heard the photobooth rocking all the way inside the dorm!

Hey asshole, remember this?

Every time she has sex, she showers almost immediately afterwards. You know, I don't blame her, with the type of guys she's been screwing. I'd feel dirty, too.

Avery: *FLUSH* BURN, BITCH, BURRRRRRRRN!

Erin: OW OW OW HOT HOT HOT OW OW OW

Then Avery swept past Erin and into the shower herself. Sneaky bitch.

Meanwhile, Ashley finally gets his flirt on, with Evan's and Rebound Guy's girlfriend, and neither of them notice.

It might be because Evan's moved on to bigger and better things: banging his professor.

Then this guy walked by and I sent Evan over to say hello. He was immediately smitten.

Ashley Pitts: Wanna fuck?

Evan: Sure, there's a photobooth in the back we can use!

Evan: I hope he's quick, I need a nap.

A little later, he rolled this want. Please notice that Moses is a teenager. Also know that I do not have InTeen. So: ew.

Uh oh! What's wrong, Erin?

Again, I say: REMEMBER THIS?

Erin: I'LL KILL YOU FOR SLEEPING WITH SOME GUY I ALREADY CHEATED ON THREE TIMES!

Evan: The head bone's connected to the... neck bone!

I don't think Evan's ever gotten upset about someone "cheating" on him. I love you, Evan.

YES GRADUATION! I feel like I should be tested for STIs from just watching all the whoring that went down this generation.

Not that things are much better back at the Dallas house.

No time to waste, start making babies!

Immediately afterwards Erin got out of bed and ran to the bathroom, not to shower, as I naturally thought, but to puke her guts out.

And again two minutes later.

Then she passed out in her breakfast.

And the fetus isn't even two hours old. This is going to be a fun pregnancy.

Oh, finally. They were only making out five times a day in the same house Dionne lives in for about two weeks before she caught them.

Dionne: Hi honey! Did you have a nice day being an unfaithful bastard with my psychotic bitch of a mother?

Greg: Yes, quite nice, thank you!

UM, HELLO. YOU ARE THE ONE CHEATING ON HER. WITH HER MOTHER.

I will never understand Sims.

Emma gets to be Evan's wife because she matches the decor so well.

Emma Rhodes

Aspiration: Popularity*
LTW: Own 5 Top-Level Businesses

Zodiac: Aries
Sloppy/Neat: 9
Shy/Outgoing: 8
Lazy/Active: 2
Serious/Playful: 4
Grouchy/Nice: 2

Turn ons: Hats and fatness
Turn off: Swimwear

*OH HELL NO. Every single spouse in this legacy has been popularity, and I'm not dealing with it again!

She's now knowledge with the LTW to become a Media Magnate.

BABIES PLZ.

Erin's ahead of the game.

And in need of therapy thanks to this fucked-up family.

OH JUST DO IT ALREADY.

Dionne has stopped caring.

Um... maybe.

Cheap kitchen wedding in their underwear! With six adults in the house, two of them pregnant, I so don't have the patience to do anything better.

The Contessa kept calling and was all, "How come you don't call me anymore, Kendra? Whine whine whine!" So we invited her over that night.

She immediately began to stalk Erin.

Antikendra: Oh, gross! Don't you know I hate lesbians?

THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

But it did.

Now this, this was supposed to happen.

Antikendra: Ooh, this girl-on-girl thing is actually pretty nice!

Welcome back to the dark side, you psycho.

A couple of hours later, it's baby time.

It's a boy, Heath.

I decorated a lovely nursery courtesy from Cashcraft from TSR. Let's see if it'll get put to any use whatsoever.

Guess not.

Erin gets a coffin.

Kendra does not.

Kendra: Oh no, there's a puddle on the sidewalk! Mopping it up is clearly more important than seeking refuge from the burning sun!

Kendra: OH FUCK I WAS WRONG

Dionne will miss her mother. Really.

What the hell are you doing up?!

Aw.

Drink up, darling. I don't want any vampires in my house unless their name is Lestat.

Yes, I am actually choosing to have twins. The least amount of time I have to deal with not one, but two pregnant women, the better.

Emma: I'm practicing! :D :D :D

Well, keep up the good work!

Erin's a good mother, too!

...I lied.

Heath: So that's where I came from...

Luckily, a family Sim is there to rescue... OH WAIT, ERIN'S THE FAMILY SIM. MY MISTAKE.

Emma: Um, hey, don't you think you should be doing this?

Erin: Oh, just leave him on the floor, he'll be fine.

Here's Evan being a ten-nice-points-Sim as usual. Just because he hasn't done anything else interesting all this update.

Is Erin still sleeping in her coffin?

Nope. I figured it was because Greg was in their bed and Dionne didn't want to sleep with him, but...

Greg now routinely sleeps in Kendra's bed. It would be kind of sweet if it wasn't so damned creepy.

Let's leave off with a visit from MY FAVORITEST SIM EVER. HIIIIIIII DANICA I MISS YOU AND I LOVE YOU AND why the hell are you almost sort of smiling?

That's better.

Generation Five: Part Three

2008-01-18T01:37:13Z

Previously on the Dallas Legacy, Evan and Avery became teens. Evan went downtown to search for women and gagged at everyone he met, while Avery had a blind date with Erin's boyfriend, Percy. Then I got bored with playing four teenagers and sent them off to college so I could get bored with four young adults.

For the first several hours of their college career, all they did was drink. Constantly. One after another.

I sold the bar.

So then they had to get other hobbies. Avery decided to become a pool shark...

Ashley adopted the role of dorm maid...

And Evan showered a lot. Okay, not really. I just wanted an excuse to use this picture. Mmmmm.

And Erin forgot that she was a family Sim and rolled a bunch of wants to kiss and flirt, so she asked a conveniently aged Percy on a date.

Erin: Okay. Just go through with this and you'll have that ring by the end of the year. It won't be that bad, and it'll be quick. Okay, here goes.

She didn't even have a crush on him before doing him in the photobooth? Damn, Erin. That's dirty.

She must agree, because she went directly to the shower afterwards.

Avery: OH HEY DIDN'T WE GO ON A DATE THAT ONE TIME? THAT MAKES IT TOTALLY APPROPRIATE TO MOLEST YOUR ARM!

Percy: Oh hell no!

Evan's not having too much luck with molesting people, either.

Evan: Congratulations on still being one hell of a frigid bitch!

He got along much better with Emma.

...I think?

Oh, that won't be awkward at all.

Brenda left as soon as Evan and Emma started to cuddle, but she didn't react otherwise. I guess she doesn't mind sharing.

Erin threw a bit of a tantrum, though.

See, she and Evan are sort of in love with each other and do all the inappropriate things like hugging, kissing, and giving backrubs to each other.

Oh yeah, and this.

Erin: Fruit punch? You take away my bar and give me fruit fucking punch? Sigh.

Erin: I guess I'll give it a try. It can't be that bad...

Five minutes later:

Erin: MOAR MOAR MOOOOOAAAARRRRGURGLEGURGLE

Oh look! Brenda stopped being a frigid bitch!

Evan still congratulates her for it on a regular basis, however.

Evan: HEY YOU'RE AN ALIEN AREN'T YOU!

Stella: How nice of you to notice.

Evan: You know, for an alien, you're pretty cute.

Stella: Teehee! *blush blush*

Evan: On earth, this is what we call "foreplay."

Stella: On my planet, this is what we call RAAAAAAAAAAAPE.

Here's Erin, sleeping in Evan's bed. Clever, right?

But for some reason Evan doesn't want to share a bed with the object of his incestuous obsession.

So he sleeps in Avery's bed.

Which sends Avery to Ashley's bed.

NO ONE EVER SLEEPS IN THEIR OWN BEDS AND IT IS DRIVING ME INSANE.

After several days of flirting, Stella Terrano finally succumbed to Evan's charm.

Evan: Can't sleep. Alien'll eat me. Can't sleep. Alien'll eat me.

Erin: Congratulations on being a whore!

Ashley: *still exists, by the way*

Dear Peggy,

Even though you suck a lot of the time, this is the sexiest hair ever, and for that I love you.

Except you seriously fucked up the alpha. See, this is what I mean about sucking a lot of the time. Smarten up.

Love,
Me

Every time I almost decide that Evan will be heir, Erin gets even more gorgeous and I'm back at square one. Sigh.

Avery is kind of a stalker.

But she doesn't mind that her sister is making out with the guy she likes, because apparently it is perfectly acceptable to share partners in this dorm.

Avery: MY TURN! How you doin'?

Erin: OMGWTFHOWCOULDYOOOOOU?!?!?!?!/1/!?!?1/

Guess Erin never got the memo about sharing.

Avery: Congratulations on—

Erin: GET THAT DIRTY MAN-STEALING HAND OFF ME BEFORE YOU LOSE IT.

Percy: Um, we can still do it, right?

Erin: I WILL SNAP YOUR PENIS OFF IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER.

Another thing Erin and Avery have in common, besides sharing a boyfriend: they both disapprove of every girl Evan associates with.

So Evan starts flirting with the one person he knows they both like. That's sort of logical, isn't it?

REEEEEEJECTED!

Evan: WHAT THE HELL IS HIS PROBLEM! I'M HOTTER THAN BOTH OF MY SISTERS!

Percy: Just gonna sniff your hair a bit before I leave, kay? *INHALE*

God, Percy, just pick one already!

Erin: I don't need Percy! I'll just flirt with this guy instead! Who cares if he has a big nose! You know what they say about men with big noses!

Erin: Oh swoon! I am so in love! I can't wait to have his babies!

Rebound Guy: DAMN GIRL I WASN'T THAT INTO YOU BEFORE BUT YOU GOT SKILLS!

This is only number four out of the twenty people Evan must screw for his LTW. And I can usually fulfill that LTW before the end of college. He is just that bad of a romance Sim.

Ashley hops aboard the incest train. It's about time.

Oh Maxis, you so dirty.

Avery: So how does it feel to lose your boyfriend to your little sister?

Erin: How should I do it? Suffocate her with a pillow? Put arsenic on her cereal? Decisions, decisions.

Oh whatever Professor Prude, Evan and his bald spot don't need you!

This guy called Evan up with the whole "I've heard great things about you, let's hang out and/or fuck!" spiel, and they started flirting as soon as they got to the cafe.

Then they started grinding.

...Does this even need a caption?

Evan's hunger bar was dangerously low, so I sent him to the barbecue outside. The only option? Weiners. How fitting.

Incredibly Gay Man: Oh yeah, baby, eat that weiner. Do it nice and slow. Oh yeah, that's so hot.

Back at the dorm, Erin's new boyfriend and one of Evan's conquests are going at it in the hot tub.

Two minutes later, he's doing it with Erin in the photobooth.

Monogamy, it does not exist.

Erin: You know what they say about guys with big noses? TOTALLY NOT TRUE, LOLOLOLOL!

I seriously don't think Percy ever leaves the dorm, much to Erin's dismay.

Erin: I'm really sorry I went a little crazy after you flirted with my DIRTY SLUTBAG OF A SISTER, YOU HEAR THAT, AVERY? Anyway, we can get back together if you promise to be faithful.

Percy: Deal.

Two minutes later:

Evan: How 'bout I barbecue us up some weiners?

Percy: Yes please! But wait, I think there's something I'm forgetting to do... oh yeah! BRB!

ASLKJORIEUCEIOURELKJCEREALKEJR.

Guess what? EVAN IS HEIR!

AND SO IS ERIN!

It's impossible to decide between them, so I'm not going to, even though I will regret it when the house is packed with eight Sims, at least half of them babies. Good times!

Next time on the Dallas Legacy...
Graduation!
Sex!
Babies!

Generation Five: Part Two

2007-12-18T22:22:16Z

Last we left off, Dionne had ANOTHER SET OF TWINS OMG WHY. All four kids spent hours and hours at the law podium belching and laughing like hyenas. I killed Jason because having eight Sims on a lot is bad for my health. Then Kendra had a rather inappropriate conversation with Greg on her bed.

This is a really short update, because I probably won't be playing much for the next week and I'd rather do a short update now than wait another week or more to do a longer one. Bottom line: TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET.

It turns out that Evan's face is nicer than his transition outfit, phew! Oh, and I was wrong about Avery being a clone of Greg—she has Dionne's eyes. Erin actually is closer in looks to Greg. Anyway!

Evan Dallas

Aspiration: Romance
LTW: Woohoo with 20 different Sims

Zodiac: Pisces
Sloppy/Neat: 4
Shy/Outgoing: 3
Lazy/Active: 10
Serious/Playful: 4
Grouchy/Nice: 10

Turn ons: Glasses and costume makeup
Turn off: Vampirism

Avery Dallas

Aspiration: Pleasure
LTW: Become Game Designer

Zodiac: Virgo
Sloppy/Neat: 10
Shy/Outgoing: 1
Lazy/Active: 10
Serious/Playful: 5
Grouchy/Nice: 3

Turn ons: Fitness and stink
Turn off: Underwear

Yeah, well. Use condoms.

Oh, are you too good for mac and cheese now, Kendra? Miss "I must eat lobster thermidor every night no matter what anyone else has already cooked"?

She's also been preoccupied with the want to become a werewolf, so I had her lavish the leader of the pack with love every time he walked by, but he's a fickle asshole and their relationship score won't get above, like, ten. Grr.

Random Dog: Look my eyes can sort of glow too can I have treats now too?

Wolf:</b> STEP OFF, BITCH.

Ashley's just waiting for his turn on the incest train.

Avery: Hey baby, I know my sister rejected you but you can still get some of this!

Oh Evan.

And now it's time for The Potential Heir's First Trip Downtown!

Evan: So that hot blonde doesn't work here anymore, huh? Do you know where I can find her?

Uh, nope, that's not her.

That's not her, either, but she's pretty cute too.

BINGO. Get in there and work your magic, Evan.

Evan: She's nasty, but I like it! :D :D :D

Hot Blonde Cashier #1: If you ever call me nasty again, I'll kill you in your sleep.

Evan: Tough bitches are so hot!

Evan: She's gross, too, but I still like it! :D :D :D

Okay, Evan. Who are you attracted to?

Oh great.

Our other potential heir is still charming every boy she meets. If by charming you mean rubbing their scalps raw.

Avery's the only one who ever wants to do homework; the rest of them spend their nights doing more important things like punching the shit out of each other.

I felt bad for Avery, not getting any (not Ashley, though—he's too ugly to feel bad for) so we called the matchmaker because you know how well that always goes.

OH HAI PERCY. Coming back for seconds, are we?

Percy: Nice to meet you, Avery—hey, those sunflowers look familiar...

Avery: Well you totally didn't leave them there after you dated my sister, nope, never happened!

Spending the entire winter day outside without a coat on. You can't get much dumber than that!

Correction: swimming outside in below zero temperatures. You can't get much dumber than that!

Further correction: building a snowman in your swimsuit and/or pajamas. You can't get much dumber than that!

Final correction: making snow angels in your swimsuit. YOU SERIOUSLY CAN'T GET MUCH DUMBER THAN THAT AND I DARE YOU TO TRY.

HAH. THOUGHT SO.

LOL WUT? I've never seen a Sim do this before. Guess she got over Evan making puking noises at the sight of her face.

NOTICE THAT HE'S STILL SMILING EVEN AS HE'S GAGGING IN DISGUST.

Anyway, they had a rather boring date that culminated in Evan's first kiss. A+ Evan!

Then he abandoned her to play the piano. D- Evan.

FINALLY A ROMANCE SIM WHO STRUTS! I swear, I never get them. You'd think Danica would've strutted around everywhere, but nope, never.

~~CAMILLA?!~~ JASON?!

Evan: You know that conversation we had the other day? I think your husband heard and now he's trying to kill me!

Antikendra: LOL COOL!

Do you think he's happy to see her?

Evan: How about I give you a makeover?

Hot Blonde Cashier #2: WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WAY I LOOK NOW! D: D: D:

Evan: Oh nothing! It's just that you still make me gag when I look at you and—

Hot Blonde Cashier #2: OH YOU ARE SO NOT GETTING ANY NOW.

Evan: Congratulations on being a frigid bitch!

WE INTERRUPT THIS REGULARLY SCHEDULED DATE FOR BREAKING NEWS:

SOME SHIT'S GOING DOWN OVER HERE.

Oh dear.

This is literally the first time Kendra and Dionne have ever hugged. I guess Kendra is keeping her friends close and her enemies closer?

Now that Avery is too old to jump on beds all day, she's taken to jumping on couches all day.

And she's got skills!

Kendra. Stop stalking him.

Oh god. The arrogance gene continues it's way down the family tree.

At least it's fully justified with Evan.

Hot Blonde Cashier #2: So then I said—

Evan: WHOA HOLD ON THERE'S A HOT HALF-NAKED PHANTOM CHICK RUNNING OVER THERE!

I'd totally want to slow dance with him after that, too.

Don't get greedy now, Evan!

...Or just throw yourself on her, you know, whatever.

Hot Blonde Cashier #2: Ewwww, cooties!

Hot Blonde Cashier #2: Look, just don't touch me. At all. Like, ever. Got it?

Evan: Congratulations on being such a frigid bitch that you actually made it snow!

OKAY MAKE UP YOUR MIND PLEASE.

Who the hell are these people, you ask? These are the kids in college. I got bored with the teen years and shipped them off.

First, our non-potentials, Ashley and Avery. Avery turned out looking a lot like Dionne for some reason. Anyway, they're both destined to have a long, happy life in the Sim bin!

And our competitors for the right to bear the next generation of screaming, smelly babies: Erin and Evan! I really like that Evan's got such a mix of genes, but Erin is so... strange-looking, but in a nice way. I'm hoping that once I play them through college one will stick out as my favoite, but until then, get your votes in!

Generation Five: Part One

2007-11-30T05:00:47Z

Last we left off, Dionne HATED EVERYTHING THAT EVER EXISTED, EVER. Then she graduated college, married Greg, and popped out twins, Ashley and Erin.

THE SUSPENSE IS OVER! If you were actually in suspense, anyway. Ashley has Dionne's nose and Erin has Dionne's eyes; the rest of their features come from Greg.

Speaking of Greg, he is a wonderful father.

Sort of.

And Kendra? Is the most attentive grandmother ever. She's freaking toddler obsessed.

I think Dionne might be a bit jealous.

Erin was pretty much an angel throughout her toddlerhood. Wish I could say the same for Ashley.

Greg: We're totally gonna go have sex after dinner.

Dionne: :O

MOAR BABIES!

See? See what I mean about Ashley? He's an asshole.

Aaaaaand transition.

The asshole is also a neat freak with his nine neat points.

However, this is entirely acceptable.

WARNING: NEVER PLACE THE LAW CAREER REWARD PODIUM IN A HOUSE IN WHICH CHILDREN LIVE. THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE IT ALONE. EVER. I AM SO SERIOUS.

Remember how Dionne was pregnant again?

It's a boy, Evan.

OH HELLLLLLLL NO WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!

FKJEC;LKEJRIOUCAKERIUCO8U;LKJCA0U3LERKJC;KLJ3!!!!!1*

*A girl, Avery.

No way in hell was I going through another two days of another two babies screaming and shitting and being absolutely useless. So I cheated.

Evan is definitely the most genetically diverse of the bunch, with Dionne's eyes, Greg's nose, and Jason's mouth. Avery, however, is a pure clone of Greg.

Avery's the asshole in this set of twins. There always has to be one, doesn't there?

Meanwhile, Greg continues to fail at parenting.

And Kendra continues to dote on all of her grandchildren in a way that makes me very bitter and offended on Dionne's behalf.

Clearly they are one big happy family!

Dionne: Ooh baby! Taking out your trash really gets me hot!

I would like to take a minute to thank Peggy for this hair. I want to marry it and have it's babies.

Unfortunately, Dionne seems to have picked up some bad habits from Kendra: she more or less ignores Avery but absolutely adores Evan.

Actually, everyone else does, too. Maybe Avery just really sucks.

Ashley: Next time he farts in my face, I'm getting the hell out of this house.

In other news, Dionne still hates everything. Including money. Even though she's a fortune Sim. Yup. Figure that one out.

Kendra: Aw, how cute, my grandson is having nightmares.

Antikendra: Let's just put him out of his misery...

Ashley: ZzzzznnnnmNNMMFFFF WTF GRANDMA STOP CHOKING ME!

I have no idea how that happened, since Avery probably didn't get a single want fulfilled her entire toddlerhood.

Here's a better look.

SERIOUSLY. THEY NEVER STOP. EVER. EVER!

Avery: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Jason: Stop jumping on the bed, you hooligan!

Avery: WHATEVER YOU'RE NOT MY DAD! :D :D :D

Greg: So you see, if you don't do your homework, you'll end up stupid and useless like your sister here.

Avery: WHEEEEEEEEEEE YAY HAHAHA :D :D :D

Evan: *TANTRUM TANTRUM*

Ashley: Seriously, soon as I'm old enough, I'm flying as far away from this house as possible.

Holy shit.

It doesn't matter how many bathrooms you have in the house. Everyone will always fight over one single bathtub or toilet, and scream and whine for hours because OMG SOMEONE'S ALREADY USING IT and then scream and whine because they're tired because they were screaming and whining FOR HOURS.

I seriously can't handle eight Sims to a house. I don't know how you guys do it. Anyway, Jason was the least important and I'm probably going to regret drowning him but it was the quickest and easiest way so there you have it.

Kendra: SCUSE ME I'D LIKE TO MOURN MY DYING HUSBAND BUT THIS SLIDE IS IN THE WAY!

Greg: HEY I'D ALSO LIKE TO MOURN HIM BUT THIS OLD WOMAN IS IN THE WAY!

They finally figured it out and cried like babies for awhile.

AND THEN:

Antikendra: So, now that my husband's out of the picture...

Greg: I don't know, you're sort of old.

Antikendra: Yuss playing hard to get!

Greg: So, uh, 'night.

Antikendra: He'll be back.

This is all these kids ever talk about.

EXCEPT WHEN THEY'RE BELCHING CLOUDS OF NOXIOUS GAS AND LAUGHING LIKE HYENAS ABOUT IT.

Dionne was a few friends short for her next promotion, so I had Greg throw a party while everyone else was at work or school. I invited six people but only two showed up: Incredibly Emo Man, and...

KINKY MAID!

Greg sure knows how to get a party started!

Kinky Maid: NOOOOOWWWWWWWWW WE'RE TALKING!

Kinky Maid: Wait. What do you mean you don't want a threesome? Why the hell was I invited to this shitty party, then!

Well. That's different.

This is the moment ACR finally kicks in?

Headmaster: THIS IS TOTALLY A FAMILY I WANT ASSOCIATED WITH MY SCHOOL! :D :D :D

Everyone dropped what they were doing to watch Ashley transition.

And Erin did it all by her lonesome in the living room.

WIN.

Erin Dallas

Aspiration: Family
LTW: Marry off six children

Zodiac: Aries
Sloppy/Neat: 4
Shy/Outgoing: 10
Lazy/Active: 6
Serious/Playful: 2
Grouchy/Nice: 4

Turn ons: Black hair and hats
Turn off: White hair

FAIL.

Ashley Dallas

Aspiration: Pleasure
LTW: Have fifty first dates

Zodiac: Scorpio
Sloppy/Neat: 9
Shy/Outgoing: 9
Lazy/Active: 10
Serious/Playful: 2
Grouchy/Nice: 3

Turn ons: Fatness, underwear
Turn off: White hair

Greg: Wow, it's really getting hot in here.

Greg: OH SHIT IT'S A FIRE
Dionne: YUSS I LOVE FIRES!

Fireman: Hello nubile young girl! *pedosmile*

Happily, Teh Dumb has worked it's way back into the family with Ashley, who goes into social desperation...

When someone perfectly capable of conversation is standing right in front of him.

And when he goes into bladder desperation, the next logical step?

Go to sleep. In Erin's bed.

He got up to pee a little later and then went back to sleep in Dionne and Greg's bed.

Sigh.

Is anyone surprised by this?

Ashley: ...and it goes all over your neck.

Erin: COOL I WANNA TRY!

Right on cue, a cute paperboy walks by. This isn't the regular paperboy, though; he's been spontaneously replaced, possibly because he was abducted by Michael Jackson.

Anyway, I didn't get a picture of the "EWWW NO" reaction, but Erin didn't like him. So we called the matchmaker.

Erin: Find me a husband!

Gypsy: How about that kid over there?

Erin: Oh no, I don't like paperboys.

Gypsy: Abracadabra, here's your date!

Erin: ...You're kidding, right?

This is the original paperboy. Guess he's not at Neverland Ranch after all.

Erin: Congratulations on being hotter than the other paperboy!

What a charmer.

The date ended well, and her parting action was to "lightly kiss." You can tell she's thrilled.

Nothing washes down a first kiss like a brutal noogie!

I have wanted a kid who carries around a stuffed animal FOREVER! Avery wins major points for this, or at least she would if she weren't vetoed for heir since she's a clone of her daddy.

Why do I even bother hiring a maid?

Even Evan, with all of four neat points, is a compulsive cleaner, though most of the messes he cleans up were created by him.

A post makeover Paperboy, whose name is Percy, left sunflowers at the door for Erin. Yes, sunflowers, not roses. Color me shocked.

...Hi Danica?

HIIIIIIIIIIIII DANICAAAAAAAA! Have you ever seen a ghost look so evil? Danica, you win at life and death.

She's really enjoying making her descendants piss themselves!

Making out with his teenaged brother is perfectly acceptable to Evan.

BUT HUGGING IS NOT.

Evan was the first one at the table to wait for breakfast. Dionne served everyone but him. So apparently she isn't going to be picky about which of her kids she ignores.

Nonetheless, Evan is an excellent student.

Ashley, who you'll notice did not get into private school, is not.

This would be why.

He wailed like a little girl all afternoon, but still didn't roll a want to do his homework or get a good report card. Damn pleasure Sims.

Kendra finally fulfilled her second LTW, to max out all skills.

Her next LTW was to become a Criminal Mastermind, but that's not going to happen because the rest of her life will be spent making toys. You can tell she's excited.

Dionne also reached her LTW. She is also very excited.

Ever since stashing the podium in someone's inventory, this is all Avery does.

Until she's ready to pass out, and then she bitches at me for it, because clearly it's my fault.

DON'T YOU GET ANY IDEAS.

Ashley, you're still doing it wrong.

Evan: Daddy, someone told me they saw you in a movie—

Greg: NOPE NEVER HAPPENED EAT YOUR EGGS.

Avery: FUCK PEACE!

Avery: All the world really needs is baseball.

Dionne: *facepalm*

Erin: OH SHIT HE NEEDS THIS THING DOESN'T HE?

Erin: Don't worry, I'll save you! *breathe breathe*

Erin: Heeeyyy, you're a pretty good kisser. Wanna get married and have six kids?

Aaaaaand it's time for another birthday cliffhanger!

Let's hope his face is better than his outfit, yes?

Next time on the Dallas Legacy...
Stuff happens and it is awesome!

Family Tree

2007-11-02T19:46:16Z

Since it might be getting a bit confusing by this point.

Generation Four: Part Three

2007-11-02T19:22:56Z

Last we left off, poor neglected little Dionne was declared heir, laughed like a hyena, went to college, hated the world, and lost her virginity to Benjamin Long's Irish Nephew in a hot tub!

Guess Greg got the job done after all.

Once they did it on dry land, I realized he was a wham-bammer when he left the lot immediately afterwards. Ah, romance.

The sexing inspired Dionne to be more affectionate, or something, and she started trying to hug all the dormies she didn't want to brutally murder. But as you can see, poor neglected Dionne is still poor and neglected.

Dionne: YOU ARE SO ON MY HIT LIST NOW, ASSHOLE.

Pervy Dormie: You can hit me anytime, baby.

Dionne: SHUT UP, I HATE YOU TOO.

The punching bag fights back on a regular basis now. Dionne cries less, though.

Dionne: HOLY SHIT MY BOYFRIEND IS NAKED!

Dionne: HOLY SHIT WAS IT ALWAYS THAT SMALL?

And now, Things Dionne Hates, Volume II.

Old women.

Desks.

Sirens.

Men she's never met.

Cats, the musical.

THE WHOLE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT.

But she loOoOoOoOoOoOoves splashing in puddles!

Though she does it way in the back of the dorm so nobody sees her acting like a three-year-old.

STOP IT, DIONNE.

This happens so often the dormies don't even care anymore.

Things Dionne Hates, Volume III.

Pop. (YES POP. NOT SODA. TAKE THAT AMERICANS.)

Trains.

Violions.

Graphs or whatever that is.

Makeup.

Pink dresses.

Aladdin.

Political science, even though it's her major.

Airplanes.

Politicians.

X-rays. Or maybe hands. Well, probably both.

Charts with rotated Es all over it.

Rectal thermometers.

GUESS WHO'S BACK!

Kinky Maid: You, me, and your reflection? Come on, it'll be totally hot!

One of the reasons I love Dionne is that she's an expert at channeling Danica.

Oh look! Someone finally agreed to a hug!

Dionne: So how about we make out now?

Dormie: :O

Whatever, Dormie. She's got hotter people than you to make out with, anyway.

Dionne: *jabs repeatedly at the up button*

Greg: *does not get it up*

O RLY! TOO LATE YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE.

Dionne: Marry me and I won't hurt you in your sleep.

Greg: OMG OMGOMGO GMOMGOMG SQUEEEEEEEEEEEELKEJRLKJEEA!!!11!1!!

Dionne: ...Shit, my husband's girlier than I am.

She graduated with a 4.0 and transitioned into the most non-gag-inducing outfit possible. Win!

Jason: HOORAY FOR THE NEWLYWEDS!

Kendra: What's he clapping about? Newlyweds? Is someone getting married? I don't see any bride or groom.

Dionne: I like fatties, so start eating!

Greg Bryant

Aspiration: Popularity
LTW: Become Media Magnate

Zodiac: Leo
Sloppy/Neat: 4
Shy/Outgoing: 10
Lazy/Active: 4
Serious/Playful: 4
Grouchy/Nice: 3

Turn ons: Red hair and fatness
Turn off: Cologne

Bed WooHoo: even creepier than Hot Tub WooHoo.

~~Danica~~ Dionne: Ooh baby, watching you take a dump gets me so hot!

She got into the law track at a high enough level to get the career reward before actually going to work! However:

Why am I not surprised.

So, she's pregnant. And this was her maternity wear. Wut.

In case you were wondering, Kendra is still hopelessly smitten with herself. She's admiring the beauty of her youth one last time before...

She can start admiring the beauty of her age. She's a painfully adorable elder, but I think Camille Foxworth still takes the cake.

Dionne: Congratulations on dropping out of college to marry me!

Greg: Congratulations on getting good enough grades to be able to support my unskilled ass!

Forget personal hygiene, there's a baby to pop out!

It's a boy, Ashley.

...And a girl, Erin. Yay.

Greg: Did you hear something? Something like a woman screaming in pain?

Jason: Nope. Your move.

Greg: Hmm, this painting is new. Actually everything in this room is new. It looks like a nursery or something...

Greg: Oh well, time for lunch!

Ashley: Asshole.

Greg: Heyyyy, wait a second! I know what this is! It's a baby! Where did a baby come from? And why is it wafting green fumes?

OKAY LOOK. GREEN FUMES DOES NOT EQUAL HUNGER.

MAXIS, FIX THIS SHIT.

Kendra, who probably has talked to her daughter exactly once in her entire life, is a shockingly attentive grandmother who actually puts the babies in their cribs when SOMEBODY (COUGH COUGH GREG) leaves them on the floor.

Look who Jason brought home from work.

Dionne: Listen, I'm legal now, so how about sharing that rocket in your pocket?

Dionne: NO HOLD ON I JUST REALIZED YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

An hour later:

Dionne: HEYYYY HOT STUFF GIMME SOME SUGAR!

Snakeskin Jacket Hottie: Damn, you really are crazy. Get the hell away from me.

Kendra: I'll make out with you if my daughter won't.

Oh no no, don't worry, Dionne, your husband isn't frying to death or anything. You just keep smiling.

Greg didn't die, but the shock must've shook up the fatherly instinct in him, because he actually picked the baby up off the floor!

Greg: Let's see... the other one is lying down... in the crib. Okay. Okay, I see how it works...

CONGRATULATIONS GREG, YOU DON'T COMPLETELY SUCK!

Dionne: Ooh baby, watching you put our kid to bed really gets me hot!

Birthday time for the twins!

...Next time.

Next time on the Dallas Legacy...
Will the twins be cute, or nightmare-inducing?
Will Dionne have any more spawn?
Will Kendra ever realize she has a daughter?
P.S. The cat died.

Generation Four: Part Two

2007-10-23T20:28:40Z

On our last episode, Kendra married Jason and popped out three kids: Cody, a really whiny little asshole, Mr. Smileyface Linden, and the most ignored and neglected child evar, Dionne. Worried about Danica's future intentions towards her great-grandchildren, I killed her—THOUGH I WILL MISS HER GREATLY I SWEAR IT. Hayden also died.

Dionne had to choose the moment her grandfather died to grow up. Fantastic.

At least she's cute!

She's still generally ignored, though. It doesn't help that she always asks her family to read to her when they're sleeping. It's sad to watch her stand there for an hour, hoping they'll wake up and pay attention to her. Sad in a really funny way.

Oh, Cody grew up, too. And yes, I purposely picked a hairstyle that would cover most of his face.

Cody Dallas

Aspiration: Romance
LTW: Become Hall of Famer

Zodiac: Gemini
Sloppy/Neat: 6
Shy/Outgoing: 9
Lazy/Active: 9
Serious/Playful: 10
Grouchy/Nice: 1

Turn ons: Formal wear, makeup
Turn off: Swimwear

Oh, and I just realized that I forgot to give you Jason's stats. If anyone actually cares, I added them to the last update.

Kendra: Grandpa went far far away to a place called Heaven—

Linden: Look, all I wanna know is why the hell did he have to croak in my room?

No, Linden did not get a tan. But he did bring this clone home from school with him. I was extremely confused for the rest of that day.

Dionne: Wait a second... that kid isn't my brother. What the hell is going on?

Headmaster: *pedosmiles*

Jason: And this is our bedroom!

Headmaster: Wow! I especially like the woman sleeping in her nightie! Who's your decorator?

Poor Dionne is the first Sim I've had to have nightmares. I am a little concerned that they're about the creepy Headmaster, though. Maxis, you have a sick sense of humor sometimes.

Kendra: ...Who the hell is this kid and why is she sleeping in my house?

Dionne: Mommy, can you read me a story? Please? Mommy? Mommy, please?

Kendra: There's that strange kid again. What is she still doing here?

Dionne: Mommy, please? A story? Please? ...Mommy?

Sigh.

Cody and Linden hang out in Dionne's room all the time. That's sort of not ignoring her. Right? Sort of?

Linden grows up. He's not a clone of Cody after all—they have different noses. Unfortunately that doesn't make him any less ugly than his brother.

Linden Dallas

Aspiration: Family
LTW: Have six grandchildren

Zodiac: Aries
Sloppy/Neat: 5
Shy/Outgoing: 9
Lazy/Active: 6
Serious/Playful: 4
Grouchy/Nice: 7

Turn ons: Black hair, cologne
Turn off: Stink

He seems to think he's hot stuff, though.

Wonder where he got that from?

It's nice to see the boys are still such great friends.

Best Sim face ever, y/n?

I sent Cody off to college in the middle of a hailstorm. It would've been pretty cool if the hail killed him on the way to the taxi. Sadly, it didn't.

This is how Linden said goodbye.

Linden: HAPPY BIRTHD... wait, who's birthday is it again?

Benjamin Long's Irish Nephew: I don't know, I don't even see a kid. Or a cake. Are you sure it's even someone's birthday?

Dionne: *is so used to being ignored she is completely unfazed by this*

HEIR.

Dionne Dallas

Aspiration: Fortune
LTW: Become Chief of Staff

Zodiac: Aries
Sloppy/Neat: 4
Shy/Outgoing: 9
Lazy/Active: 6
Serious/Playful: 2
Grouchy/Nice: 4

Turn ons: Fatness, glasses
Turn off: Blonde hair

Inferiority complex, maybe?

Benjamin Long's Irish Nephew: Dude, I'm super awesome. You should totally hook me up with your hot sister.

Linden: Oh hell no, you stay away from my sister! I claimed her ages ago.

Great-uncle Troy is still alive and kicking. My bad.

The DJ, on the other hand, is a zombie. ...Que?!

Dionne's a total sweetheart, if you couldn't tell.

Just as warm and friendly as Great Grandma Danica!

There is someone she likes, though.

And the feeling is mutual! Finally!

...Or not. Can't you damned townies ever make up your mind?

Let's see if Linden is faring any better.

Great success!

Linden's Girlfriend: Hey Mr. Dallas! I just made out with your son like two seconds ago! It was so hot!

Jason: *pretends he didn't hear that*

Dionne gave her a makeover, and that's when I realized how much they look alike. No wonder Linden likes her.

Jason: Congratulations on moving out, son!

Linden: But I still live h... oh... oh, I see where you're going with this.

Jason: SEEEEE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

So I sent Dionne and Benjamin Long's Irish Nephew on a date. I guess we can start calling him by his actual name now, which is Greg Bryant.

Waiter: May I take your or... hey, I know you! I saw you in that movie! Yeah! In Schoolboy Slu—

Greg: I'LL HAVE A NECTARINE TARTLET PLEASE.

Well look who it is!

Snakeskin Jacket Hottie: Look kid, you're cute, but I am so not going to jail for you. Call me in a few years.

Dionne: Aw, but... HEY WAIT LOOK AT THAT!

Dionne: HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG THAT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!

Dionne: THAT BANNER HAS A LLAMA ON IT HAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAAA!

Dionne: OH MAN YOUR HAIR IS SO STUPID-LOOKING HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAAAA!

Dionne: HERE LET ME FIX IT FOR YOU!

Greg: BITCH, YOU'RE CRAZY!

Dionne: Oh yeah, well—OMG HOLD ON!

Dionne: WAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA HAHAHAH AHHAHAH AHAHAHAHAA AHAHAHAAAAAAAHA!!!!!!11!1

Dionne: THAT BATHROOM DOOR OH MAN THAT'S FUNNY HAHAAAAAAHAHAWAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Dionne: SERIOUSLY WHO WEARS SNAKESKIN? HAHAAAAAAHAWAHAHAAAHAHA YOU NERD!

Snakeskin Jacket Hottie: On second thought, don't call me. Ever.

The next day it was off to college for our lovely albeit somewhat psychotic heir!

BUT FIRST: here's how Cody and Linden turned out. I guess they're not too bad.

But they don't come close to Dionne.

Making friends already, I see.

If bitching at them doesn't work, try flicking them in the forehead!

She developed a cycle for trying to talk to people who were doing other things. First she'd simply try to chat. When that didn't work, she'd try to talk about majors. If they still didn't drop everything to talk to her...

Her next action would be to argue. You can't blame her for being touchy about being ignored, can you?

Dionne: I HATE THAT STUPID MATCHMAKER.

Dionne: MAIDS SUCK, TOO.

Dionne: AND I REALLY CAN'T STAND SUNSHINE!

Dionne: OR OIL!

Dionne: OR TOYS!

Dionne: OR OTHER KINDS OF TOYS!

Dionne: DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON RATS!

Dionne: AND I DEFINITELY DON'T LIKE AWARD SHOWS. STUPID GOLDEN GLOBES!

Dionne: PUZZLES REALLY PISS ME OFF!

Dionne: AND OH MAN, DO I EVER HATE GHOSTS!

Dionne: Did I mention I hate sunshine? WELL I HATE CLOUDY DAYS TOO!

Dionne: AND PEARL NECKLACES ARE THE WORST!

Lonelygirl15: Is there anything you do like?

Dionne: Well... pollution is pretty cool.

She likes streaking, too. My first autonomous streaker!

She wasn't very nice to any of the dormies, but she seriously hated this one chick in particular. She poked her ten times in a row one night, and would've gone on if I hadn't forced her to eat something because her hunger bar was 3/4 empty.

Then the punching bag, who had never retaliated up until now, spontaneously decided she wasn't going to take that shit anymore!

Not so hardcore anymore, are we?

There is another table, but apparently they like the taste of bitter rage on their pancakes.

Pervy Dormie: CATFIGHT! ROWR ROWR! HISS! YEAH BABY!

IT'S ON.

Dionne owned her ass.

Oh hello there Greg! You're looking deliciously grown-up lately! What a coincedence!

...Why.

Pervy Dormie: Man, I don't know which one of you is hotter! Can I watch you guys make out later? Please?

I don't know about you, but I sure wouldn't let the chick who is constantly attacking me give me a makeover.

That would be why.

Punching Bag: Oh hi Dionne! What brings you to my room this morning?

Dionne: A BRUTAL ASS-KICKING, THAT'S WHAT!

Pervy Dormie: Why don't you just bomb her or someth—WHOAAAAA YOU'VE GOT A NICE RACK THERE, BABY!

Pervy Dormie: You ladies stay right there, I'm gonna grab my camcorder real quick!

I think Greg just realized he's about to be trapped into a lifetime of stinking babies and possibly occasional domestic abuse.

However, there is ass-grabbing involved.

So he's totally down with that.

Dionne rolled the want to make out with him... before they even had their first kiss. Jumping the gun a bit, sweetie?

Clearly Greg's all right with moving quickly.

You're... doing it... wrong? I think?

That's better... sort of. Maybe? I really don't know what's going on here.

But it's comforting to know that if Greg isn't very good at it, Dionne can get the job done herself.

Next time on the Dallas legacy...
Dionne kicks more ass!
Dionne graduates college!
Dionne gets knocked up!
Dionne Dionne Dionne!

Generation Four: Part One

2007-10-12T14:09:33Z

Last we left off, Kendra was declared heir and went to college where she became MY FIRST VAMPIRE EVAR YAYZ!!!!1! and I realized how damned annoying vampires actually are. She also completely autonomously won the heart (and loins) of pedosmiler Jason Stokes. And I killed Cheryl.

Hayden: Congratulations on having a baby!

Kendra: ...but I haven't yet.

Hayden: YEAH SO GET BUSY.

And get busy she did.

One minute he's sucking her face off and the next he goes frigid. These two and the four personalities between them are totally meant for each other.

Oh great! This'll make getting to generation four much easier!

Maybe if Kendra paid more attention to him than herself...

As soon as they fell in love again, I had her pop the question.

Jason: Eh... no thanks.

Kendra: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH OMG MY LIFE IS OOOOOOOOVERRRRRRRRR HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!11

Antikendra: Whatever, let's fuck.

Let's try this again, shall we?

Further proof that putting out will make men like you!

I'm not sure what Antikendra is planning, but I fear for Jason. Just a little.

Jason Stokes

Aspiration: Popularity
LTW: Become Captain Hero

Zodiac: Aries
Sloppy/Neat: 4
Shy/Outgoing: 6
Lazy/Active: 7
Serious/Playful: 4
Grouchy/Nice: 4

Turn ons: Formal wear, underwear
Turn off: Blonde hair

Hayden: *scrubs extra hard down there*

Renee: :D :D :D

Five minutes later:

Renee: HOLY SHIT DAD'S NAKED GROSS!

Poor Danica. Nobody likes her anymore because her family is full of homophobes.

Some Guy: Hey baby, wanna get it on?

Renee: That depends. How big is it?

Preggers!

Kendra: Hey Dad, I'm gonna have a baby!

Hayden: It's about fucking time.

Seriously, no one likes her anymore!

Not even her dead husband! Then again I suppose he does have a good reason or five.

Renee sucks at school because I don't care about her enough to make her do her homework.

But thanks to the backwards way this game works, she can still go to college. See ya!

Right on cue.

It's a boy named Cody.

Off to a fantastic start, I see.

I figured it was about time to make things legit and gave them the cheapest wedding possible.

Kendra: I do.

Jason: I d... DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN YOUR GRANDMA'S FIIIIIINE!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to show you how Brody and Renee turned out. Brody's not too bad, albeit a bit apelike.

I really wasn't liking Danica as an elder so I fed her a truckload of Elixir, hoping she'd age down enough to become an adult again, but sadly it doesn't work that way.

So I cheated!

Let me remind you that she is now a great-grandmother. And after three generations of babies she still can't figure out that green stink = TIME FOR A DIAPER CHANGE.

Jason is a shockingly good parent, and the first since Danica to autonomously put a baby in its crib.

Kendra, on the other hand, favors Rover to her own child.

Which is great because she's having another one.

Cody grew up and is looking a lot like his daddy.

Danica: If you're waiting for my insurance, don't hold your breath.

Can we get a close-up on that face?

The "Ah Ah Ah Ah Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive (Just So My Rotten Family Won't Get Any Money Out Of Me Those Fucking Bastards)" face.

You know how the game doesn't recognize family members beyond two generations? Yeah, Danica knows it, too.

But for now she's content to screw her tried-and-true fuckbuddy in the hot tub, in front of her son. Classy.

o_O;

Danica: OH FOR CHRIST SAKES NOT AGAIN!

I have a confession to make. I set this up. I really didn't want Danica to start humping Cody a few Sim years down the road, and I didn't want her to get old again, either. And fire really was the only death worthy of Danica Dallas.

But it took about twenty-seven leisurely strolls through the flames for her to finally catch, and then I had Hayden call the firemen so the house wouldn't burn down while everyone was bawling their eyes out (...if they even would) and two of them showed up and started extinguishing the fire before Danica died and I thought, "Well this is great, now she won't even die when I try to kill her!"

...But then she did.

Danica: BITCH, I'M SO GONNA HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF THE LEGACY FOR THIS!

Fuckbuddy: WAAAAAAAAA HOW AM I GONNA GET LAID NOW?

Grimmy: You again?

Hayden: Time for a drink!

Kendra: It's just like her to leave a mess for me to clean up.

Antikendra: SHE'S DEAD >:D

It's that time again!

Another boy, named Linden. Is it just me or does this one look particularly evil?

And tasty, or so Rover thinks.

But I want a girl, so it's back to the drawing board!

Oops. Guess that takes care of the whole birds and bees talk a few years from now.

I moved the family into the Venturi house and had to hire new help. And I got this very un-kinky new maid. Bah!

Uh, yeah, I hope your dad didn't knock you up, either.

I REALLY DON'T THINK HE NEEDS ANOTHER BOTTLE.

Hayden: Ah, I love the smell of fresh garbage in the morning!

Jason got demoted and cried all day long about it.

He also brought Michael Jackson home with him.

Michael Jackson: And at my ranch we have sparkly ponies and whirly ferris wheels and really bouncy beds and you'll have lots and lots of fun, little boy!

Birthday time for Linden.

Cute, but I think he might be a clone of Cody, minus the hair color.

Speaking of Cody, he also grew up but nobody cared. And thanks to already being in the red and having a fear of growing up badly...

He now looks like this all the time.

And he throws tantrums approximately every 1.3 minutes.

Naturally, now that her son is violently crazy, Kendra just loves him!

She's going to have twins, isn't she.

Linden: READ TO ME GRAMPY!

Hayden: What the hell is with you kids and reading? Would it kill you to watch TV once in awhile?

Uh, Hayden? I don't think that's appropriate reading material for a three-year-old.

Non-Kinky Maid: Bitch, I just cleaned the floor!

I KNEW IT. And they're both boys. Nope, sorry, not gonna happen. Try again!

Motherfuck.

A frillion reloads later, I finally got a girl that wasn't the exact same coloring as her mother. Meet Dionne!

Kendra immediately dropped her on the floor and stood around doing nothing but ignoring her for a good fifteen minutes. Sigh.

That can't be good.

Notice the lack of green stink. That food is perfectly edible. Cody's just a whiny asshole.

And he's failing school because his fun meter is constantly red so he will never do his homework even when he rolls a want to.

LOL HEY BRODY NICE HAT.

Renee, this probably isn't the most appropriate time to grind your sister's husband.

Linden looks adorable when he's smiling, and it's hard to get a picture when he isn't smiling.

UNLIKE SOMEONE WE KNOW. Seriously, I don't even know what his problem is half the time.

Dionne aged, too, and she's got the combination of features I wanted: Kendra's eyes, Jason's nose and mouth. She's well on her way to heirdom!

Not that her parents care, or very possibly, even know that she exists.

Neither does Cody.

Linden, however, is getting an early start on incest.

Water balloon fights in the middle of winter? What can be smarter than that?

Dear Maxis,

Please fix the frozen overlay so it doesn't make darker Sims look like dirty aliens.

Sincerely,
Me.

The quickest way to warm a kid up is, of course, jumping on the bed. But... what's wrong, Linden?

Linden: You expect me to jump on the bed with my whiny brat of a brother? NUH UH NO WAY.

At least he's acknowledging her existance!

So Cody came home with a D report card and Kendra lost 290832938457 aspiration points because of it and officially went insane.

Six or seven times.

Can't we all just get along?

This is the one and only nice thing Cody has ever done. I didn't even know this could be done! He's like some junior Steve Irwin or something!

Kendra: My son's failing school *worry* and my other son hates his brother *worry* and Michael Jackson is after both of them *worry worry worry*

Dionne: HELLO WHAT ABOUT ME?

You know how Sims feed babies and toddlers about 908309783 times a day? Well, no one fed Dionne for a day and a half. This is seriously the most neglected kid I've ever seen.

Dionne: BLLLLLAAAAAAAARRGHGHHGGHGHGHHHHHHHH

Dionne: LOL BARF AWESOME!

OH JUST SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY.

Hayden: HEY EVERYONE I'M HOME FROM WORK AND I GOT FIRED AREN'T I AWESOME EVERYONE CHEER YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Every. Single. Day.

...the fuck?

Oh, it's just Hayden and his dazzling ability to leak water right through walls.

But that won't be happening anymore.

Linden: Hey, could you die a little quieter? I'm trying to sleep here!

Coming up in the Dallas legacy...
Will Dionne have competition for heirdom?
Will Cody and Linden get into a bitch fight?
Will Chris Crocker ever post a new video?

Find out next time!
(Well, maybe not about Chris Crocker. Unfortunately I have no control over him or his videos.)

Generation Three: Part Three

2007-09-21T00:41:04Z

Last we left off, Kendra developed multiple personalities and Brody developed XXXTREME DUMB! Renee was born, and was boring. Hayden and Cheryl became very attractive elders, while Danica remained a perpetually young adult. I guess that about covers it.

Warning: No nudity. D:

We left Kendra calling a taxi to take her away from the House of Crazy. If it wasn't already clear, she's heir.

This is why. (Oh, I kid. It's really because she's the resident Queen of the House of Crazy. I probably would've picked her even if she was ugly.)

Obviously.

Unfortunately, Kendra has the Ten Nice Points habit of giving $100 tips to everyone who ever picks up an instrument, even if their "music" makes the baby Jesus cry.

Antikendra, however, has developed a much different habit: narcissism. She primps even more than Mr. Big.

What, did you think I was exaggerating?

This happened on Kendra's very first day in the dorm, and was a nearly daily occurence ever after.

The culprit: this bitchy redhead named Irma (PFFFFFFFT) Crawford. She makes Danica look like Mother Teresa.

Can it be mans tiem nao plz?

She got the poor woman's version of Hayden.

And now, How to Impress Your Date by Kendra Dallas.

Step 1: Reject all romantic advances. Men love it when girls play hard to get!

Step 2: Spend at least an hour talking on the phone to a friend to show that you have a life that doesn't revolve around him. Men don't like clingy girls!

Step 3: Abandon him to stargaze with your telescope. Smart is sexy!

Step 4: Most importantly, gaze lovingly at yourself in a mirror at least six times. Men like it when a girl is confident about herself!

What happened to my smart, takes-care-of-herself Kendra? Well, if she has to piss herself, at least she's talented enough to aim it four feet behind her.

...I don't think there's any consolation to this, though.

Since that date worked out so well </sarcasm> I sent her downtown to hunt for new material. Instead, she made friends with this vampire. (No seriously. This is "friends.")

...Hi Danica?

...And Helena? What is this, Dallases Get in Free night? (Yeah, I forgot to age her up when Hayden transitioned. OOPS.)

Back at the dorm, Kendra is having continually bad luck with men.

Kendra: But I love him!

Antikendra: NO, WE HATE HIM.

Kendra: ...I'm so confused!

Remingtonface wasn't too bad looking, and I wanted to see if he could be improved with a makeover.

Chris Crocker?*

Kendra kept rolling the want to invite someone over, so I picked the best-looking man in her phone book...

The pedosmiling water balloon bandit himself, Jason Stokes.

Antikendra: NAAAAAAAAAASSSSTEEEEEEEEE

Kendra: Catch me, lover!

Antikendra: I SAID CATCH ME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

BURRRRRN.

Two minutes later: autonomous romantic hug. Jigga wha?

...Autonomous caress?

Autonomous sweet talk?!

AUTONOMOUS SUGGESTIVE FLIRT?!

?!?!??!?!?1/1?!!?/1?!!?!?1?!?!/1/!?!?!?!?1/!?!?

Okay. So. Kendra > Danica at Danica's own aspiration.

As soon as I clicked on First Kiss, though, Jason was all "Look at the time gotta go!" But apparently she likes it when they play hard to get.

He came over the next morning and the first thing that happened? AUTONOMOUS MAKEOUT HOLY SHIT.

Kendra 7
Danica 1

I don't think I've ever seen a Sim autonomously wash their hands, but Jason did it at least three times that day. He has either a frillion neat points or OCD.

Kendra: EXAM TIME GOTTA RUN

Just in case you forgot how obsessively vain she is.

There's that want to invite someone over again. Strangely it only ever popped up at night. I thought she might be trying to tell me something, so...

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN.

The creature of the night gazed hungrily at the beautiful young woman. Her skin was so creamy, her neck, so soft. It was an unbearable temptation to the vampire...

She gazed into the woman's eyes, almost hypnotizing her with the preternatural sheen of her own. Once the woman was under the spell, the vampire breathed in the heady human scent of her one last time...

The vampire took her into the intimate embrace of a lover, and slowly sank her teeth into the virgin skin of her neck. The hot blood flowed over her tongue, awakening the dark passion inside her, making her drink and drink until there was but a few drops left...

The woman's body went rigid as the Dark Gift took hold of her heart, her mind, her veins. She writhed in pain and pleasure as the metamorphosis took place, the ultimate change between life and death...

And now, she, too, was a creature of the night, undead... a vampire, cursed to roam the earth ever in search of her next victim, haunted by the guilt and shame that came with killing...

Kendra: lol awesome!

MY VERY FIRST VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!1111~

I put her coffin in the hall because it fit so well with the decor.

Kendra: Uh, excuse me... I'm locked in. No seriously, I can't open the lid.

Antikendra: I keel you

Kendra: What was that?

I had her invite Jason over that night to see the latest development. He wanted to bring a friend. The friend? Cheryl.

OH HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL NO.

Luckily, he wasn't put off by the sudden lack of blood in his girlfriend, so I decided it was time they went on an actual date.

Jason: Uh, no touching plz.

Two seconds later she rolled these wants and fears. Yeah. Definitely likes the playing hard to get thing.

Kendra: I've never done this before. How does it work?

Jason: Well, first I have to get you wet.

Kendra: O_O;

KY?

Kendra: Teehee, the burning tickles!

So I guess it's OCD, then.

That bitchy redhead is at it again, but this time it's more than annoying: Kendra stopped on her way to class to watch, forgetting that the SUN WILL KILL HER.

This was the result. Ohmagod.

Drums are to Kendra as bass is to Helena.

Kendra: IT REALLY TICKLES!

She really needed the aspiration points so she could use the Ecclectic Energizer. And I kinda sorta hoped he'd die by sunshine and fulfill her want to see a ghost, too.

But he played cards all day and didn't die. Bah.

Remingtonface: WHO INVITED THAT BITCH?

Black Dude: Not agaaaaaaaaaainnnnnnn.

Oh Maxis! I thoroughly enjoy your subtle humor!

OH NOES! NO REFLECTION! Whatever will Miss Sickeningly Vain do now?

I don't think threatening the mirror will work, honey.

Kendra: I am very bored and irritable and I would like to have some fun now, if you wouldn't mind!

Antikendra: BITCH PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY NO DRUMS! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN A BAD MOOD? GOD.

I finally got her to watch TV.

She wasn't impressed.

Okay, that's it, I can't deal with this shit anymore. Bring on the Vamprocillan-D!

But first... let's see if there's a hot guy with a vampire fetish out there.

Guess not.

Drink up!

You're doing it wrong.

YOU KNOW IT'S THRILLAAAAAAAAAH, THRILLAH NIGHT!

Everything's back to normal.

It seems a bit of ~vampire angst~ got left over, though—suddenly she started going into Black Dude's room all the time just to poke and shove him.

Antikendra: Heh heh, cry, you pussy! CRY!

Some Penguin: HURRY UP BITCH! I GOT PLANS OF WORLD DOMINATION TO DISCUSS WITH THAT SNOWMAN!

Zoom zoom zoom, fast forward fast forward, graduation time. I find it especially amusing that she lightened her hair for the event.

Meanwhile, in Arbordale...

Take one last look at young and beautiful Danica, because I finally stopped pumping her full of Elixir of Life and now...

She's Amy Smart.

Seriously, what is it with the Dallas heirs looking like celebrities? Here's hoping generation four will gift me with a Johnny Depp.

So. It was time to kill Cheryl. Because I really didn't want to deal with three elders, and with Kendra and, eventually, babies joining the househould, it was going to get pretty full. So I conjured up some hail and left Cheryl outside for a few hours.

It did not work.

Then I made it rain and had her sit in the hot tub the rest of the night, hoping she'd be hit by lightning or spontaneously combust.

That didn't work, either. She did piss herself, though. Getting closer.

After several more failed attempts I said SCREW IT and gave her Elixir of ~~Life~~ Death until Grimmy showed up.

Hayden: Yaaaaawwwwn! Good morning everyone!

Hayden: Wow, somebody didn't have their coffee yet.

Hayden: Hey honey, what's shaking? Everything all right? Thaaaaaaat's nice.

Well, at least Kendra showed a bit of grief.

Next time on the Dallas legacy...
Will Kendra be the first single mother of the legacy?
Will, uh... other exciting stuff happen?
Will I have better questions to ask next time?

*For the record, I adore Chris Crocker. If you're one of the nine people left in the world who still hasn't seen the LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE video, check out Chris's MySpace and YouTube for his hilarious videos. PIMP TIME OVER!

Generation Three: Part Two

2007-09-09T06:20:28Z

Last time on Days of our Dallases, Danica was resurrected by Hayden who then proceeded to smack the hell out of her every chance he got. Cheryl popped out two kids, Brody and Kendra, and was pregnant with a third. And best of all, KENT DIED!

Warning: Do I really have to warn you every time?

Danica is the perfect grandmother. When no one's looking.

Otherwise, she's her regular warm, gentle self.

Kendra's favorite thing ever is hot chocolate. It must be the sugar high she gets from it. It boosts her energy bar like espresso does for adults.

HOLD ON DROP EVERYTHING. Kendra Dallas is smiling, ladies and gentleman! A first!

Kendra: How much milk does this recipe call for? Ah, one cup. I'll also need an egg, some sugar...

~~Kendra~~ Antikendra: Arsenic, cyanide... ah yes, my plan to rule the world through muffins will soon come to fruition! MEH HEH HEHHHHH!

Hayden finally fulfilled his LTW of becoming the Minister of Education. It only took seven years because you need about 23098350983 friends to get to that level.

Here it comes!

Kendra: Ah, Mother is having a new baby. I am very excited.

Antikendra: WHOA COOL A BABY THIS IS AWESOME!

It's another girl, Renee, with the same coloring as her sister. Uh oh, do I smell a clone?

Hayden: OH SHIT NOT ANOTHER ONE SEND IT BAAAAACK

Well well well. How did Renee get so lucky as to see her crib before her fourth birthday? Clearly she's the favorite.

Brody: BANG BANG I'M GONNA GET YOU ROBBER!

Kendra: No thank you, I don't want to play your violent game.

Antikendra: Because it's not a game at all! Soon I will rob the world of its power and harness it as my own! MEEEEEH HEH HEH!

And so the incest begins.

Brody: So what do you think of the new baby?

Antikendra: SHE'S AN ALIEN FROM ANOTHER PLANET COME TO SUCK OUR BRAINS! We must get rid of her at all costs!

Brody: *wets pants*

I decided to give Danica some semblance or normalcy back. But I made her a blonde. I think she pulls it off nicely. Then again, Danica can pull anything off.

Uh.

That's better. And if you were wondering, why yes, that is Hayden standing in a puddle of his own pee back there.

And this is Renee playing in it.

Brody had a birthday as well... unfortunately. Clearly he lost the gene lottery this generation.

Brody Dallas

Aspiration: Popularity
LTW: Become Rock God

Zodiac: Saggitarius
Sloppy/Neat: 1
Shy/Outgoing: 10
Lazy/Active: 10
Serious/Playful: 10
Grouchy/Nice: 4

Turn ons: Brown hair, hats
Turn off: Stink

But he's still a Dallas through and through.

Random Walkby Girl: I'll be the robber, you be the cop!

Kendra: Honestly, I don't like this game. Please get away from me.

Antikendra: BY THE WAY I'M CUTER THAN YOU NYAH NYAH NYAAAAAH!

Hi Kent. Still the wrong color, huh? That's okay, I know colors were always difficult for you.

Q: How many people does it take to receive groceries and pizza?
A: Every walking member of the household. (Cheryl's stuck behind the door.)

Kendra: Mother, would you please read me a book?

Hayden: Hmm, where have I heard that before?

I know you're hideous, Brody, but that's no reason to turn to alcohol.

And now, a demonstration of the contrasts between Brody and Kendra, or Why Kendra is Awesome and Brody Sucks Super Bad.

Exhibit A: Eating habits.

Kendra will wait quietly at the table until her mother serves dinner.

Brody ignores all available plates of food and makes TV dinners, which he then leaves on the counter to rot.

Exhibit B: Hobbies.

Kendra: Ah, my stock has risen. Shall I sell now, or wait?

Brody: YEAH YEAH JUMP TWIRL TRIPLE SCORE AWESOME I ROCK!

Exhibit C: Taking care of one's basic needs.

As soon as her bladder or hygiene bar hits the halfway point, Kendra's off to the bathroom.

Brody is perfectly content to stew in his own filth.

Exhibit D: Sleeping habits.

Kendra likes sleeping in Grandma's bed. How adorable!

Brody likes sleeping with his mother. How creepy!

My very first tree fire! It's about time!

Kendra: There's a fire! Please send a fireman ~~who is attractive enough to impregnate me in a few years~~ to put it out!

An unattractive fireman arrives and blasts the tree fire into oblivion...

And then lectures Kendra for calling when there was no emergency and fines her $500. The fuck?

Okay. Maybe Renee isn't the favorite after all.

Renee: OMG THE WOLF'S GONNA EAT ME SOMEBODY HELP!

Nobody: *helps*

She grew up looking quite a lot like her sister.

But there are subtle differences. Renee has a longer chin, and I think her eyes are closer set.

The big difference is, of course, that Kendra has multiple personalities. Renee just has one. Boooooring!

I know what you're thinking. "But everyone makes funny faces at the TV!" The TV was off.

Renee: I'll get you, you dirty thief!

Kendra: Were you not paying attention the first 209834 times I said I DO NOT LIKE THIS GAME?

Back to black. I probably didn't need to point that out. Just making up for the general lack of Danica in this update.

PEDOSMILE ALERT.

Or else he's just a big jerk.

Antikendra: I wish for an army of clones to declare war on the earth!

Hayden: YEAH CLONES WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So I'm sort of in love with her.

Kendra Dallas

Aspiration: Knowledge*
LTW: Become Chief of Staff

Zodiac: Pisces
Sloppy/Neat: 8
Shy/Outgoing: 9
Lazy/Active: 6
Serious/Playful: 2
Grouchy/Nice: 10

Turn ons: Red hair, custom hair
Turn off: Makeup

*She did roll Knowledge. It just happened to be on the third roll.

Also, she reminds me a lot of a current pop culture figure. Any guesses? And since I never revealed who toddler Hayden looked like...

Freaky, isn't it?

I sent Kendra downtown in hopes of finding a man, but you can see how well that turned out.

However, we did find this. There is much Dallas dick in her future.

She met this cat on some lot. His name was Rover. How can you not adopt a cat named Rover?

I think he'll fit in just fine with the Dallases.

This just about broke my heart until I remembered there was a bowl full of cat food sitting in plain view. Oh yeah. He'll fit in juuuuuuuuust fine.

Finally, I get to see a Sim toss food to a pet! I'm not sure how that blue balloon got into Cheryl's pancakes, though.

All of a sudden Hayden started apologizing to Danica. It only took him about eighteen years to get over her flirting with Lydia that one time.

Renee pretty much lives in the bathroom. Which means at least three times a day there's a crowd outside of it whining that they need to pee but can't because it's occupied. Nevermind that there's another bathroom down the hall.

Did Rover maul the furniture? Did Hayden cheat on Cheryl? Did Danica look in the general direction of Kendra's boyfriend?

Nope. Just dancing.

You're still here? Two days later? God, get some friends.

And some manners.

Brody: Gosh, I'm hungry. A TV dinner will really hit the spot!

Brody: Oooh, mac and cheese? Where'd that come from?

Brody: Hey guys, do you smell something burning?

Brody: Oh well, it's probably nothing.

Kendra: HOLY SHIT THE OVEN'S ON FIRE

Brody: Mmm, so cheesy.

Kendra: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Danica: YOU WON'T GET ME THIS TIME, YOU PUSSY FIRE

Brody: No wait, I really do think I smell something burning...

Kendra: AEKLJRIUCECNEKREOICULKEJRECALKJEHR

Danica: YOU CAN'T CAAAAATCH ME YOU CAN'T CAAAAATCH ME

Renee: WAAAAAAA MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP

Chick in Black: SOMEONE SAVE THE CAT

Rover: *is paralyzed by fear*

Brody: What's for dessert?

Brody: WHOA, HAS ANYONE NOTICED THE STOVE'S ON FIRE?

Kendra: You're fucking kidding me, right?

Danica: HAH! FIRE 1, DANICA 1. TIED, BITCH.

Why does Cheryl have so much trouble recognizing her naked husband?

Speaking of Hayden, it's time for him to get old. His hip seems to be two steps ahead of him.

Damn. I'd still do him.

OMG GTFO.

That's not creepy. Not at all.

Neither is that. Not whatsoever.

I have no clue why, but he hates Renee. Too much for one crossed-out thought bubble to handle alone.

That'll teach her! Especially since she hasn't touched the thing once in her life!

And I'm sure Kent will be devastated that you're ruining his half-finished painting!

Even the fucking cat is smarter than Brody.

What's most disturbing about this picture?

A. The continuing signs of incest.
B. Brody thinking about his mother.
C. Kendra contaminating her beauty with Brody's fug.

Wow, this generation really wins for hot elders!

Danica: Apparently you can measure it by the distance between his thumb and forefinger, but I always say the only way to know for sure is to wrap a hand around it!

Renee: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Danica: Too far?

Right on cue: hormones.

Renee Dallas

Aspiration: Family
LTW: Become Minister of Education

Zodiac: Saggitarius
Sloppy/Neat: 1
Shy/Outgoing: 10
Lazy/Active: 10
Serious/Playful: 10
Grouchy/Nice: 4

Turn ons: Custom hair, stink
Turn off: Hats

GREEEEEEEAAAAAAAT.

Cheryl: See you tomorrow morning!

Cheryl: Oh wait...

Danica: How you doin'?

Antikendra: Whaaaaat?

Danica: Bitch, you're doing it wrong.

Antikendra: OH THAT'S SICK! WHEN I RULE THE WORLD HOMOSEXUALITY WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!

Danica: What was that, honey?

Antikendra: SHUT UP.

Kendra: Oh, how nice. I'm glad you've found someone, Grandmother.

Antikendra: NO WAIT THAT'S WRONG AND YOU'RE A FUCKING WHORE GRANDMA

Renee: I AGREE AND I'M NOT EVEN PSYCO LIKE KENDRA

Kendra: My utmost apologies for that outburst, ma'am. I don't know what came over me.

Antikendra: EW EW EW EW EWWWWWJLEKCJLKJERLEKJAECRRRRRRRRRR

~~Kendra~~ ~~Antikendra~~ Oh, I don't even know anymore: Hello, Arbordale Taxi? I need a taxi to take me AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS HOUSE OF INSANITY AS I CAN POSSIBLY GET. ...Yes, that'll be cash.

Next time on the Dallas legacy...
Kendra goes to college!
That's pretty much all I can guarantee right now!

Generation Three: Part One

2007-08-29T05:08:19Z

Last we left off, Hayden was chosen as heir, and proposed to Lydia, but later found someone better ie. more insane, so dumped Lydia with the help of Danica who flirted with Lydia to make Hayden hate her, and OH YEAH SPEAKING OF DANICA, she kind of died and the world ended and everything is a DARK, BLACK HOLE.

And now onto generation three, FIIIIIIIINALLY.

Warning: XXXTREME DUMB.

Oh go to hell, Kent. Don't pretend you're aspirational failuring because Danica died. I KNOW YOU DIDN'T CARE, YOU ASSHOLE.

The next day he became an elder, and also an alcoholic.

And Hayden got off his lazy ass and started contributing to the family finances.

He also asked Cheryl to move in, so they could commence with the babymaking. I only like this picture because of the teensy Lydia stalking onto the scene to steal the newspaper.

Lydia: HA HA HA, THIS WILL TEACH THAT RAT BASTARD!

Kent: Oh hi Lydia! How are the wedding plans coming?

So, Cheryl's pretty gorgeous.

Cheryl Hensley

Aspiration: Popularity
LTW: Become Celebrity Chef

Zodiac: Taurus
Sloppy/Neat: 8
Shy/Outgoing: 9
Lazy/Active: 6
Serious/Playful: 2
Grouchy/Nice: 3

Turn ons: Brown hair, cologne
Turn off: Custom hair

Remind me why we're paying for a maid, again?

ZOMG HIIIIIIIII DANICAAAAAAAAAA! I think I peed a bit when I spotted her ghost, I was that excited. And also shocked, because...

She haunted during the day. I've never seen that happen before, and thought it was so like Danica to say, "Fuck the rules! I'll haunt whenever the hell I feel like it!" But after asking the lovely people at thesims2 I realized it was only because lightning had hit her tombstone. Oh well. Danica, you're ~*~SUPER SPECIAL~*~ regardless.

What's this? Kent's autonomously doing something productive?! Clearly he's going senile in his old age.

I was bored, so I made him suck some skill points from Cheryl's coworker.

...And he even fails at that. (Okay. It might've been my fault for forgetting that aspiration rewards backfire if they're in the green. But whatever, Kent's still an idiot.)

Then I fed him a few glasses of Elixir of Life so it too would backfire and push him closer to death. What can I say? I really hate the guy.

Hayden and Rick pass each other every morning, but never speak or wave to each other. It's like they don't even exist.

Hayden: HEY EVERYONE, I'M HOME FROM WORK! ISN'T THAT AWESOME? EVERYONE COME WORSHIP ME!

Dog: Woof?

Well, you all saw this coming, didn't you?

Here's what happened: I tried the Venturi method of getting Troy to join the secret society to steal their Resurrect-o-Nomitron, but after two full days spent at university community lots, not a single secret society member surfaced. So I said SCREW THIS SHIT and put Hayden into the paranormal track. It took him a full week to get the Resurrect-o-Nomitron, but it was worth it!

SQUEEEEEEEE SHE'S BACK! NEVER LEAVE ME AGAAAAAAAAAAIN, DANICA!

This is how Hayden welcomed his mother back from the dead.

It's good to see death hasn't changed her!

Since she was set back to the first day of adulthood, she needed a younger, sexier makeover. Also I am slightly disturbed that she's now younger than two of her children.

I can see why he drinks. It must be tough living with a hot chick who cooks for him in her underwear.

Though if my significant other was this unenthusiastic about sex, I imagine I'd turn to alcohol, too.

I figured it was about time for Mr. Defective Family Sim to pop the question, even though he hadn't rolled a want for it once.

Meanwhile, Kent is spending copious amounts of time outside stargazing and watching clouds in hopes of being hit by a satellite. No luck.

He's also running on the treadmill an awful lot, but of course, he didn't catch on fire. Apparently spontaneous combustion doesn't like Kent, either.

Hayden's favorite hobby is stalking Danica with the "I'M GONNA BEAT A BITCH" scowl and hand-punching.

And Cheryl's favorite hobby is taking a book from the bookshelf, reading half a sentence...

closing it, putting it back on the bookshelf...

and repeating the cycle all over again. She did this seven times in a row, I counted.

OH DON'T EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVEN.

Kent: Hey, what's that? A bird? A plane? ...Oh wait, there's just something in my eye.

Danica: God, why didn't I marry Rick instead?

Rick: God, I'm so lucky I didn't marry that crazy bitch.

Danica: *CLAAAAAAAAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP!!!!!!!11*

Ethnically Confused Woman: *tap tappity tap*

Don't you just love warm, festive family get-togethers?

Naturally.

Kent: Say, Mr. Mailman, you look an awful lot like my son Hayden.

Troy: OKAY LADIES, TIME TO GET DRUNK!

~~Cheryl~~ BRIDEZILLA: HELLOOOOOOOOO GETTING MARRIED TAKES A LOT OUT OF A GIRL AND I'M TIIIIIIIIIIIRED PLEASE GET RID OF THESE JERKS SO I CAN GO TO BEDDDDDDDD

Apparently the party got better once they left it.

Cheryl: Wow, it's really horrible that your mom cheated on your dad with, like, half the town.

Hayden: Yeah, but I know you would never do that to me, right?

Cheryl: o.O;

WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME. Was she using birth control before the wedding because she didn't want a bastard child or something? (Ignore the commotion in the background, it's just Hayden being an asshole again.)

Cheryl? That's not Danica. That's your husband.

Hayden: A DEMOTION OH BOY!

Their child is going to be a genius, yeah?

Troy: So I was thinking about moving back in after I graduate...

Cheryl: WELL THINK AGAIN MISTER.

And they make googly eyes at each other from afar. I don't get these two.

At some point Kent started whining about being hungry and I noticed his hunger bar was nearly empty, along with his bladder, hygiene, and energy bars. Damned if I was going to save him from his dumb.

Kent: I'm really hungry.

Hayden: So get some food.

Kent: ...wat he meen, fud?

Kent: REEEEEEEALLY GETTING HUNGRY NOW, SERIOUSLY. OMG WHAT SHOULD I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kent: I kno, I taek nap.

Kent: Too hungree for nap! Wat you do wen hungree? Think, think!

Kent: Hmmm. Hayden eeting hard stuf. Mine only likwid. How I get hard stuf?

FINALLY. GOD.

But at that exact moment...

Everyone in the house ran to the sound of labor cries, including Kent, who dropped his spaghetti on the floor, untouched. *facepalm*

Cheryl: I don't know what to do with it. You take it.

Hayden: Well, I don't know what to do with it, either! I'm sure it'll be fine here on the floor.

Kent: Babiez get likwid fud! I's a gud grampa!

His hunger bar was that low for an entire day—and he didn't die.

He did win gold in the Synchronized Napping on the Floor event, however.

Anyway, frustrated with the most unfortunate glitch that kept Kent from dying when by all logic he should have bit it about twenty hours earlier, I boolPropped his hunger bar to empty and watched the sucker go down.

Maid: How 'bout it, Grimmy? You, me, and the dead guy?

Oh whatever, Danica. You know what this means, don't you?

100% RISK-FREE BOOTY CALLS!

By the way, Cheryl fails spectacularly at parenting.

P.S. It's a boy and his name is Brody.

Meanwhile, Hayden spirals deeper into alcoholism.

Hayden: Happy biiiirthday to you, happy biiiiiiiirthday to y—

Hayden: Oh, fuck this shit. Where's my beer? *drop*

Despite being dropped on the head, Brody became a rather cute toddler.

Who has clearly inherited his parents' dumb.

This is the first time Brody was ever in his crib. Oh, and if you couldn't tell by the blinding purple pajamas, Cheryl's pregnant again.

Brody: HEY I GOTTA PEE SOMEONE TAKE ME TO MY POTTY SOMEOOOONNNNNNNE?

Brody: TOO LATE I PISSED MYSELF.

Brody: PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ME.

Cheryl: Whaaaaat? I put you in your crib that one time, isn't that enough?

Hayden is somewhat a better parent, but for a family Sim, he still fails miserably. This is the one and only time he ever did anything with Brody besides feed him ten bottles a day.

I love how giving birth fulfills the want to meet someone new.

Hayden: Have fun with that, I'm outta here.

It's a girl, Kendra, with the same brown hair and blue eyes as her brother.

Now that Danica is a loving, doting grandmother of two, I thought it was time to give her a more appropriate makeover.

Wait for it...

There we go.

Kendra: I can't wait until I have hair and clothes so Mommy will pay attention to me, too.

This is, pretty much, the extent of Kendra's babyhood.

Hayden did put her in her crib once. Again, just once. Oh Hayden.

Brody had another birthday, and is getting cuter!

But with ten active and playful points, he's in desperate need of Prozac.

He comes home from school with his fun bar bottomed out every single day. Great!

Also, he has a habit of turning the stereo on and then playing video games for the next eleven hours. He never dances to the music. He just wants it playing in the background. What.

Danica: Did you know your grandfather died the day you were born? LOLOLOL

Brody: ...holy shit.

Speaking of Kent, he reaches whole new levels of dumb by being the wrong color ghost. Oh my god.

Hayden: WOOOOO HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRODY! I mean... wait, which one is this again?

Kendra: *facepalm*

So adorable!

So whiny!

So psychotic!

I love her already.

Okay, I know this shot's been overdone to death and back again, but I DON'T CARE LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS!!!!11~

Brody: Good doggy!

Toddlers are kind of boring no matter how cute they are, so let's zip forward to Kendra as a child. She looks a lot like her mother, and has also inherited her two playful points and eight neat points.

EATING MUFFINS ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Cheryl: ZOMG I'M PREGNANT AGAIN? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?

Kendra: Oh dear god help us all.

I caught Hayden lecturing Cheryl later that day. I haven't a clue what for. Maybe he's just really upset about having another baby. Again, I say: FAMILY SIM MY ASS.

Next time on the Dallas legacy...
More babies!
More birthdays!
More fires!
More XXXTREME DUMB!

Generation Two: Part Four

2007-08-15T17:08:08Z

On our last episode, Hayden and Helena went to college, and played the bass. A lot. And got laid. After a makeover, Troy was surprisingly beautiful, but it doesn't matter because the key to winning girls' hearts is farting. Danica cheated on Kent a few more times, but by this point he didn't give a shit. So all is good!

Warning: Frequent use of the word fuck, and some showering nudity that I hope Photobucket doesn't ban this time, motherfuckers. Oh, and it's REALLY BLOODY LONG.

These snowball fights Helena is always initiating are clearly an attempt at rendering Hayden sterile so she'll have better chance at being heir. Sorry, honey, not gonna happen.

Alternately, she may be trying to weasel her way into being the heir's wife. I have never seen a more incestuous Sim than Helena Dallas, seriously.

She still sleeps in his bed 99% of the time. (The other 1%? On the lounge outside in the snow.)

Kent's Twin Brother: Lalala, wow, there sure is a lot of water in here. I wonder why?

Kent's Twin Brother: Hmmm. Why is there an ass in here? That's weird...

Kent's Twin Brother: OMG NAKED PERSON!

Oooh, who might that be?

It's young adult Troy!

With a makeover. The goatee hides his long chin, but I don't know. He looks somewhat generic. While Hayden is very unique. Therefore:

HAYDEN IS HEIR!

And what grand ambitions our heir has.

On a related note, I don't know what Helena has against the cafeteria hag, but she always cooks her own meals, even when three fresh plates of food are sitting on the counter. Picky bitch.

She still plays bass every spare minute of the day.

NOT YOU TOO!

Troy: Ooh, you're all round and soft here. Are these what they call breasts?

Troy: I DON'T LIKE THEM.

DAMMIT, HELENA.

Snow? Hail? Wolf?

Bathroom door.

Now that Hayden's heir, I figured it was time to bag him a woman. I chose Lydia because of how pretty she is. Not because I'm a dirty gold digger. Nope. Not at all.

Awwwww.

Hayden: Sex now?

Lydia: Do I have to?

WAIT HOLD ON BACK UP. HELENA IS PLAYING THE GUITAR?!

Oh. No wonder she looked so pissed.

She jammed so long that her hygiene bar bottomed out. But that's okay, her BO smells like Chanel No. 5 apparently.

No time to shower, she's got a hot twin brother to spoon!

...Who immediately got out of bed. A+

In the morning, Helena was my guinea pig as I tried out all the aspiration rewards I'd never used before.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Did you know there was a Throw Drink option while sitting at a table? I didn't. (And once again Hayden demonstrates that having eight nice points doesn't mean shit when you're the son of Danica Dallas.)

So I just checked the weather station, and hell has indeed frozen over.

This is Helena's bed. Where is Helena?

Yeah.

Helena: Good morning Hayden, oh beautiful brother of mine! Wasn't last night GREAT? I looOOOoOoooOooOoOOove sleeping next to you!

I really wish she wasn't a near clone of her father. If she looked more like Danica, she definitely would've been heir. I love this crazy bitch.

Just to shake things up, she stalks Troy every now and then, too.

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT

Troy: Have I mentioned lately how much I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE BOOKS?

P.S. His major is literature.

So I heard the cafeteria hag making some interesting noises and scrolled over to see her giving the OH NO YOU DI'INT head shake and finger wave to the cow mascot.

Which he took to mean she was ready for lovin'.

Cafeteria Hag: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE

Kent's Twin Brother: Oopsie, missed a bit of dust over there...

In anger over being rejected, the cow then went on a violent rampage with a pillow.

Helena: OOOOOWWWWWWWWW YOU BROKE MY FUCKING NOSE YOU FUCKING COW I HATE YOU WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Troy got pwned, too.

Next the cow started shoving around a random dormie.

And then he did the sneaky walk all around the dorm.

What. The fuck.

Meanwhile, Hayden had rolled a want to influence someone to do his assignment, and the only person around was Kent's twin brother.

Ten seconds later, he rolled a want to do an assignment himself. Yeah, I probably wouldn't feel too secure with that glowing genius doing my homework, either.

Troy: EXCUSE ME I AM REALLY DIRTY AND SMELLY AND UNLIKE MY PSYCHO SISTER I DON'T LIKE THAT!

Well, don't go and do something silly like take a shower, Troy. Oh no. Much better idea to play video games.

Helena: Brother dear, you are smelling particularly wonderful today!

Sigh.

It really means something when Helena is gagging over the smell of another person.

The next logical step for our two stinky friends?

A game of red hands, of course.

Please don't tell me you're going to bathe with the toilet water.

This was a teenage townie I sent to college and dolled up like so. She walked by the dorm one night and suddenly I noticed how pretty she was.

Hayden disagrees.

OH WHATEVER. You two are going to screw whether you like it or not!

She is kind of a bitch, though.

Kind of really a bitch.

The only successful interaction I could get out of her was a school cheer. So I made Hayden do about 287349083 of them to build up their relationship ONE POINT AT A TIME.

Later I remembered that Hayden's turn off was red hair. Hah, oops. One bottle of ReNuYu later, and red hair is now a turn on. I left stink as his other turn on because it's just too hilarious to change. (OMG THAT'S WHY HELENA NEVER SHOWERS! THAT SNEAKY BITCH!)

His reaction to Cheryl is now a shrug. Good enough!

YUSS!

Maybe she just had PMS the night before, because suddenly she was accepting flirts left, right, and center!

Then she started to worry. Huh?

When Hayden went to his final exam, Cheryl decided to do an assignment. In the very chair this guy was already occupying.

Cheryl: Look, I know there are three other empty chairs right behind me, but I want THAT CHAIR. JUST GET OUT OF THAT CHAIR. PLEASE? COME ONNNNNNNNNNN GET OUT OF IT GET OUT OF IT I WAAAAANNNNNNNNNT ITTTTTTTT

Cheryl: *worryworryworry*

Oh yeah, she'll fit in just fine with the Dallases.

BUT NOT WITH YOU, TROY.

Finally, FINALLY!!!111 Hayden and Helena graduated! But wait, what's up with bandana dude over there?

Bandana Dude: YOUR FUCKING GIRLFRIEND WOULDN'T LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ALL NIGHT SHE'S A PSYCHO AND YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE FOR LIKING HER GO TO HELL

Best transition outfit ever.

Back in Arbordale, Danica is still young and beautiful thanks to a steady diet of Elixir of Life.

I gave her an appropriately mature makeover, at least.

Now that I was totally in love with Cheryl's neuroses, it was time to get rid of Lydia. So I invited both ladies over, made Hayden kiss Cheryl (it was their first kiss, too, how romantic), and watched as the shit hit the fan.

Hey, what's going on behind Cheryl?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. AN AUTONOMOUS ROMANTIC INTERACTION BY DANICA DALLAS? Oh, right, hell already froze over earlier. Okay then.

Or maybe watching another relationship fall to pieces just turns her on.

So anyway, even though Lydia was furious with Hayden and he wasn't so pleased with her, either, the option to break up still wasn't there. The best I could do was make Hayden argue with her. But don't let those minuses fool you. Every time they argued, his relationship with her went up by one point.

So once Kent left for work, it was on to Plan B...

Danica: How you doin'?

Hayden: HOW DARE YOU FLIRT WITH MY MOTHER EVEN THOUGH I'M ACTIVELY TRYING TO BREAK UP WITH YOU YOU CRUEL BITCH!

Lydia: HATS

Hayden: We're through!

Lydia: WHAT I TOTALLY WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT!

Cheryl: *realizes what a psychotic family she's being forced into and turns to alcohol for the sake of her sanity*

Don't you just love happy endings?

And now for Danica's reward for a job well d—HOLD ON WHY THE FUCK DOES SHE LOOK PREGNANT?

It must just be a bit of pudge. She looked normal later on. But holy Jesus on a pogo stick that scared the hell out of me.

See, putting out will make boys like you!

It's okay, Hayden, the first fire had to happen sometime.

He was failing miserably at starting a fire in the bedroom, however. What, you screw Lauren without being in love with her but all of a sudden you're Mr. Morals?

I sent them to the hot tub hoping it would jumpstart things, but again, nothing past PG-13.

But then she gave him quite the nice view getting out...

Really, a flash of ass works wonders.

Great success!

LKJE;RIOUC3J;LKJ3;CKLJ3;LKJ3OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCK

NO

NO

Danica: Pfft, like a little pussy fire could kill me. I'm Danica fucking Dallas! I'm way too hardcore for this sh—

NO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Hayden: PLEASE MR. GRIM REAPER YOU'VE GOTTA SAVE MY MOMMY EVEN THOUGH I HATE HER FOR FLIRTING WITH SOME CHICK I WAS TRYING TO DUMP ANYWAY!

Hayden: Red hands? My favorite!

Hayden: ...Not red hands?

Hayden: Eeny, meeny, miney...

Hayden: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ghetto Fabulous Fuckbuddy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DAWG

FUCK YOU GRIM REAPER!

FUCK YOU KENT!

FUCK YOU HAYDEN!

FUCK YOU PAPERBOY!

DON'T ANY OF YOU CARE THAT THE GREATEST SIM EVER JUST DIED A TERRIBLE AND UNTIMELY DEATH? THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN DUMBLEDORE DIED!

EPIC D:

Next time on the Dallas legacy...
WHO THE HELL CARES DANICA IS DEAD!

Okay, fine...
Hayden gets a job.
Kent gets old and I hate him.
Danica makes a surprise reappearance.
Generation three is born. (I HOPE. I'm starting to think this bitch is infertile.)

Generation Two: Part Three

2007-07-30T00:22:26Z

Last we left off, Hayden and Helena ushered their pimply adolescence in with synchronized farts. Troy became a child, and thus began his slightly disturbing love affair with books; later, he grew up to be shockingly ugly. Danica screwed a few people. And Kent continued being Mr. Oblivious.

Warning: I don't know, probably something. Nudity, swearing, take your pick.

He couldn't very well break the tradition, could he?

But I don't want to look at that fugmonster right now. Let's swing right over to SSU to see how the twins are faring!

Somehow Helena looks entirely different as a young adult than she did as a teenager, but I'm not complaining. It's a nice improvement.

But Hayden. There are no words. Except for OMGOMGOMGGGGGGLKJ2ELCKJELKJ6ELKJFUCKINGHOT!!!!11!!1~!!

And this is their professor. Seems to have grown a few feet and turned albino since his glory days.

But back to Mr. Gorgeous, who has definitely inherited his mother's talent for social interaction. He shows zero interest in would-be conversationalists.

He is awkward around others.

And he laughs at people who cry. (Eight nice points, huh? Right.)

Helena: HELLOOOOO! I AM HUNGRY AND THE CAFETERIA HAG IS BLOCKING THE STOVE AND I CANNOT COOK MY FOOD AND I'M GONNA STAAAAAAAAAARVE!

Sigh.

Hayden: Oh I know, that totally pissed me off too. Everyone knows Harry should've ended up with Luna!

Where did the lake come from, you ask?

From Hayden showering in the next room. No wall can stop his sloppiness! (Okay. I admit it. This was just an excuse to show a picture of him showering.)

This is pretty much all Helena does all day. I don't think she's touched the guitar or drums once, but she's all but made out with the bass.

Meet Lauren Stone, aka. Possible Uterus #1. Hayden approves.

Seriously. Get a hobby.

Hayden: My sister's in love with her bass. She's kind of weird.

Lauren: OH I TOTALLY AGREE! SHE'S SUCH A CRAZY BITCH!

What's more romantic than cuddling in a hot tub in the middle of a snowstorm?

Warming up afterwards, of course.

HOLD ON, BACK UP, STOP THE PRESSES. HE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH HER?! I have never in my years of playing seen a Sim—even a romance Sim—go for the gold without being in love first!

...Oh, there we go.

Lauren: Omg, what the hell did I just do?!

Firecrotch needed to cool down.

Hayden, this is why you have a maid.

And this is why you have a bed.

Oh, Helena's in your bed? Too bad. You shared a womb with her, you can share a bed.

Clearly he's not too upset about the situation.

"Family kiss" my ass.

Hayden's too mature for smut. Helena, on the other hand, has no morals.

See?

She does use a shower occasionally. But even stranger?

She pees in the shower.

ALL BASS, ALL THE TIME!

Yet she's still not good enough to get any tips (except pity tips from Hayden).

But at least she's smart enough to tend to her basic needs, unlike some people we know.

Hayden wanted to throw a sports party, so I humored him. The invitees were his mommy, his baby brother, and the one friend he has that isn't tied to him by blood, Lydia Schwartz, aka. Possible Uterus #2.

Danica seems to be pretty into the maid...

Who is a clone of Kent. Hands off, Danica, you've already got one of those at home.

So, the "sports" party went as follows: Troy broke several windows with his singing, Hayden swooned over Lydia a few hundred times, and Danica was surprisingly calm as she played pool. Nobody actually watched sports, or used the punch keg I so generously bought for the occasion.

Now I remember why I never throw parties for my Sims.

Maid: Mmmmm, that is some fine jailbait ass right there.

Danica: HELLOOOOO, THE GUITAR IS IN MY WAY! HEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEE

The guitar? IS IN ANOTHER ROOM UPSTAIRS.

Hayden: You know Mom, I am ten kinds of awesome. I should totally be heir.

Hayden: Troy on the other hand, is a fugmonster.

Danica: Good point.

Looks like the maid might be getting her threesome after all!

Some Dormie: So then he was all, "Imma open up yo box and git all up innit, shawtie!" Isn't that romantic?

The next day, Hayden built a snowman and froze in the process. What did he want to do next?

Very smart.

WELL WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE!

Helena: Go out with me go out with me go out with me!

Gardener: Tip me well and I'll consider it.

Helena: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE OMG OKAY!

Cha-ching!

She lost her virginity, in a hot tub, in plain view of the rest of the dorm, just a few hours after meeting the guy, who is hired help. I told you Helena had no morals.

Her sexing didn't turn her off of her brother, though. Oh no. Besides still occasionally sleeping in the same bed, they often admire each other...

sing romantic duets...

and shower together.

Some Dormie: Wanna make out?

Hayden: Ew, no way! I only make out with my sist... I mean, my girlfriend!

LIES. I saw you with that womrat, Hayden.

Back at the legacy house...

Who the hell are you? Wait... is that... no. It couldn't possibly be...

OH MY FUCKING GOD IT IS TROY!

Holy shit. The wonders that different hair and eyebrows can do!

As a nerdy knowledge Sim, Troy constantly wanted to gain logic points. Chess are serious business!

And how is the happy couple doing?

Danica: Go ahead, divorce me. You'll be paying alimony until you're six feet under.

She asked Mr. Ghetto Fabulous over for a booty call, and he brought a friend with him. Uh... wtf.

Danica: Gtfo, Troy, I'm about to get laid here!

Troy: YOU DIRTY FUCKING WHORE I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOOOOOOOOU

Danica: Pssst, wanna fuck?

Mr. Ghetto Fabulous: WTF, SHAWTIE! WHY YOU GOTS TO BE LIKE DAT!

She proceeded to flirt with the friend, aka. Hef, in her underwear, in front of her teenaged son. Now that's class.

Danica: Hey, did you hear the latest gossip about that guy I fucked a couple of times?

Kent: How dare you talk to me about him! You know I'm still creeped out by that whole exorcist thing!

Oh yeah. I'm sure that'll make him forgive you for cheating on him with half the town.

Not a good idea, Kent.

You all saw that coming, didn't you?

Danica: Damn that asshole husband of mine and his ridiculous demands that I not sleep with other people just because we're married!

Guess who's watching?

Random Lesbian Chick: Hey baby, let's make out again.

Troy: HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU

It snowed, and when Troy looked through the window at it, his want to see a wolf was fulfilled. This is said wolf. Looks menacing, doesn't he?

As soon as Troy was done fondling him, the "wolf" went directly to Troy's room to maul his homework.

But he didn't do a very good job of it, and homework continued to pile up. I don't make a Sim to do their homework unless they want to, and Troy hasn't wanted to since he was a child. Some knowledge Sim he turned out to be.

Danica: What? Sleep in the same bed as my jerk husband? NUH-UH I DON'T THINK SO.

I kicked him out of the bed and sent him to the couch.
Danica > Kent.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? A family kiss. Has anyone ever seen the option for a family kiss between a married couple? I know I haven't.

Troy: Gimme pussy.

Matchmaker: Gimme money.

Oh look, it's that girl who rejected Hayden that one time. Let's see if she likes Troy any better.

Guess not.

I wonder why?

Troy: WOLVES ROCK!

Some Bitch: LOOOOOOOOOOSER.

Oh yeah, that'll totally win her ov—

...the hell?

Troy: And for my next trick, I'll fart on my dad!

Some Bitch: OMG LOLOLOLOL I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST DID THAT!

Kent: Lalala... hey, what's that smell?

So that's the secret to attracting women: disgusting bodily functions!

Kent: Oh hi honey! I didn't realize you were already home from work!

Danica: Mmmmmfffbusygoaway

Delayed Reaction Man strikes again? Nope, he was reacting, and that reaction was "approve." Kent, you've just reached all new levels of stupid.

Troy isn't quite as forgiving. That warm, fuzzy relationship they used to have is dead and buried. How ~~exciting because this means hilarious drama yay!~~ sad.

Let's bring this update to a close with a reminder of how gorgeous Danica is, because she'll be an old hag soon, unless I keep pumping her with Elixir of Life. I haven't decided yet.

Next time on the Dallas legacy...

Troy goes to college!
Hayden and Helena make babies!
An heir REALLY IS chosen!

Get your votes in now: Hayden or Troy?

Generation Two: Part Two

2007-07-10T00:48:28Z

Last we left off, Danica and Kent were raising Danica's illegitimate babies with another guy, Hayden and Helena. Danica continued to fail miserably in the social arena, while Kent stole the title of Delayed Reaction Man from Greg Proops. Together they had another kid, Troy, who grew up to be a deceivingly cute toddler with the CHEEKBONES OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Warning: Excessive swearing ahead. What can I say, this is one angry family.

This is all Troy does all day. ALL. DAY. By the end of his toddlerhood he had seven charisma points.

Kent: Oh my gaaaaaaaawd where is the baby I can't find him and he needs his bottle where iiiiiiiiis heeeeeeeee?

I hate you, Kent.

I don't know why your husband is such an idiot, either, Danica. I am a little concerned with his lack of reflection, though.

The happiest you will ever see Danica is when there is any sort of precipitation whatsoever: rain, snow, hail, she loves it all. LOVES LOVES LOVES. Only inclement weather gets an ecstatic smile out of Danica Dallas! Her sweet, beloved children? Get this.

She really should start making sure no other lovers are present before making out with someone else.

Maid: Threesome? Come on, threesome? Well, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me!

After only 2373059 days of trying, she finally got this guy into bed. I didn't try for a baby, but was sort of hoping that risky WooHoo hack would kick in again. It didn't.

Somehow I don't think we'll ever get another chance.

Kent: Hi there! You must be a friend of my wife's! It's nice to have you in our home! Why don't you stay for dinner!

Some Guy Whose Name I Still Don't Know: Maybe if I stand really still he won't notice I'm naked.

Troy: I GOTTA PEEEEEEEEE SOMEONE TAKE ME TO MY POTTYYYYYYYY

Troy: NOOOOOOOO I DON'T WAAAAAAAAANNA POTTY GIVE ME A BAAAAAAAAATH

Sigh.

As you can see, Helena has a promising future of writing slash fanfic ahead of her, while Hayden is soon to become a lesbian porn subscriber. Aw, I'm so proud of them.

Kent, you sadist! Well, if you insist...

Yeah, I didn't think that'd work.

Guess what time it is! I'll give you a hint: not tool time.

Hayden ushers in his adolescence with a fart. And Helena?

God, they really are twins.

Helena Dallas

Aspiration: Fortune
LTW: Have 6 Pets Reach Top Career Level

Zodiac: Pisces
Sloppy/Neat: 1
Shy/Outgoing: 8
Lazy/Active: 8
Serious/Playful: 2
Grouchy/Nice: 10*

Turn ons: Fatness, glasses
Turn off: Stink

Hayden Dallas

Aspiration: Family
LTW: Become Minister of Education

Zodiac: Gemini
Sloppy/Neat: 1
Shy/Outgoing: 9
Lazy/Active: 9
Serious/Playful: 3
Grouchy/Nice: 8*

Turn ons: Cologne, stink (?!)
Turn off: Red hair

*Clearly Rick must've had 32 nice points to balance out Danica's evil with these kids.

And what's Troy been up to, you ask?

Troy: WAAAAAAAAAAH WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAH

Troy: WAAAH WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

That's about it.

He and Danica have a surprisingly great relationship. I guess they bond over their shared love of screaming and general bitchiness.

Helena: Some day I'm gonna strangle that idiot of a stepfather. Strangle him DEAD. Until his EYES POP OUT. Just like I did with this BEAR. RAAAAAAAAA.

Helena: Congratulations on having two best friends! Even if they're just me and Mom.

Kent: Why the hell don't you have any friends, Hayden?

Kent: At this rate he's never going to meet anyone and move out and get married.

Danica: Damn.

Hayden: I'll show them! I'll show them just who can get a friend! Just you watch!

Hayden: Great job cleaning the grout today! Here's a $100 tip. WILLYOUBEMYFRIENDNOWPLZ?

Maid: 97, 98, 99... yeah, sure, kid. Hey, how about a threesome?

Hayden: HAH! WHO HAS NO FRIENDS NOW! Wait, what was that last part?

By the way, you might have noticed their house was looking uncharacteristically not like shit for the past few pictures. That would be because I built them a new one. I had to borrow one or two kachings but I totally paid it back the next day when Danica got a promotion bonus. I'm totally not cheating. Totally.

What? Troy's smiling? This could only mean he's about to become...

THE CUTEST SIM CHILD TO HAVE EVER SIMMED OMG.

And now, a comprehensive look at Troy's childhood.

Troy: Hey Hayden will you read to me huh Hayden read to me pleeeease?

Hayden: Sure thing!

Danica: God I hate that fucking bitch daughter of mine.

Troy: YUSS HE'S GONNA READ TO ME! I LOVE BOOKS I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM BOOKS YAAAAAAAY!

Troy: Omg I have to pee so bad but I can't miss this part of the book BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Kent: Once upon a time there was a family of three bears...

Troy: I HATE BEARS. NEXT STORY!

Troy: Hey Helena could you read me a story please read to me read to me read to me!

Troy: Could you read me another book Helena please oh please I love books I just LOVE THEM!

Troy: How about a bedtime story Helena huh please read me a book PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE READ ME A BOOK!

Troy: READ TO ME READ TO ME READ TO ME BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BSOKERLKEJCERKJ BOEKJLEKJEREA BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKS

Troy: Oh, not the fucking bear story again.

You see, he really does hate bears. I sure hope he doesn't treat his future girlfriends this way.

He still absolutely loves Danica, though, and runs outside to greet her after work every single day. Damn momma's boy.

Danica, meanwhile, still has not mastered the art of plumbing repair.

I personally am shocked that the shower hasn't just stopped leaking out of pure fear.

After she finished fixing the shower (ie. gave up to call a repairman) Kent rewarded his wife with a job well done (ie. not murdering anyone in rage) with a backrub.

Then he made out with her hand. She liked it! Could this mean...?

Yes! Our source for daily sex is back! Hurrah!

Hayden isn't so lucky in the field of love and romance.

Hayden: Omg, they were right! I'm not ever going to meet anyone and get married! I'm going to end up a spinster, alone and unloved and one day found half-eaten by Alsatians!

What's Helena been up to?

Deplorable personal hygiene, that's what.

She still loves farting, too. It's her morning routine. God help the poor man who ends up marrying her.

The paperboy is not impressed with the ~~Dallas's~~ ~~Dallases'~~ ~~Dallaseseses'es's'es~~ family's trash problem.

He sure is liking Helena's junk, though.

Danica reached her LTW of becoming a professional party guest. I can't imagine what psychos would actually pay Danica to terrorize their party, but whatever.

Then she dropped dead.

Just kidding! She's only working out. Her new LTW was to get into the hall of fame, so I said why not? and got her the job... and then realized I just gave up her $1400/day salary. OOPS.

Maid: OMGGGGGGGG THE PLANT IS IN MY WAY I CANNOT GET AROUND IT WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOOOOOOOO

Maybe go through that gigantic space in front of Danica? I eventually had to move the plant so she'd stop shouting at me. Jesus.

...I don't think I want to know what that suspiciously angled arm is doing under the water.

At least he cleans up after himself.

Someone had the bright idea of inviting the headmaster over. Everyone schmoozed him but he got minus signs all across the board and no schmooze points!

So how'd they get accepted, you ask? Hayden saved the day by simply chatting with him, and that wracked up about 12 schmooze points per conversation. I had no idea that worked! Just my friendly tip to you.

Oh Hayden, you're so clever, pushing that girl on the swing just so you can check out her ass.

Hayden: HAH! HAHAHAHA! Now who's never going to meet anyone and move out and get married! TAKE THAT, KENT.

Kent: *whistles obliviously*

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I bought them a treadmill with Danica's promotion bonus, and had nowhere to put it except the bathroom. Which is fine since I think we all know by now that Danica quite likes the smell of Kent's shit.

Kent: Oh yeah baby, just back up, just a few steps, niiiice and slow, back right up into Kent's hands, come on baby...

Maid: Sorry, I don't do twosomes.

Further proof that Troy is a massive nerd: he autonomously reads the newspaper.

And this is his reaction to me telling him to watch TV. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, CHILD?

Danica: Five minutes til Kent gets home... I can totally pull off macking on this chick by then!

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Kent: Hi honey, I'm home! Waaaaait a minute...

Kent: OMG! Did I just see two chicks making out? AWESOME!

Kent: NO WAIT! MY WIFE WAS ONE OF THOSE CHICKS!

Kent: HOW DARE YOU CHEAT ON ME AGAIN YOU VILE WHORE!

Random Lesbian Chick: So it was nice breaking up your marriage, I'll be on my way now.

Oh Kent. Haven't you learned by now not to incur the wrath of Danica Dallas?

As soon as Helena stops flooding the bathroom by splashing all day long, an even worse problem arises. The culprit?

I can forgive him because he's hot even with a face full of zits.

HAH. IT'S NOT SO FUN ANYMORE, IS IT!

Even more proof that Troy is a colossal nerd: I had Kent rake up the leaves so that Troy could be all cute and play in them, and what does he do? Cleans them up.

Danica: Troy! Look over there! It's a book!

Troy: OMG A BOOK WHERE? BOOKS BOOKS I LOOOOOOOOOVE BOOKS

Troy: BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS BOOERKJCLKJERKEERKJELKCJE

Danica: lol idiot.

Troy: Mom, I didn't see the—HEY!

Danica: Ohshit.

Troy: WHAT THE FUCK MOM! HOW COULD YOU CHEAT LIKE THAT!

Danica: I have zero nice points?

Troy: *DEFRIENDS*

Danica: Whatever, kid, I got two more where you came from.

Troy: HEY MOM HEY MOM LOOK OVER THERE!

What's he pointing to?

I don't know what's worse: Troy pretending that something exciting is happening on the wall or Danica actually falling for it.

Danica: HOW DARE YOU PULL MY OWN TRICK ON ME! YOU ARE SO NOT HEIR NOW!

Nonetheless, she is still clearly his favorite parent.

Ooooh, time for Troy to become a teen! I can hardly wait to see what hotness is in store!

OMG THE ANTICIPATION!

...What the hell just happened?!

Yeah, I'm pretty pissed off too, Troy.

Troy Dallas

Aspiration: Knowledge*
LTW: Oops, didn't check.

Zodiac: Gemini
Sloppy/Neat: 4
Shy/Outgoing: 10
Lazy/Active: 9
Serious/Playful: 4
Grouchy/Nice: 1

Turn ons: Stink, glasses
Turn off: Vampirism

*He rolled family, but he was such a nerd I couldn't help but cheat and give him knowledge instead.

And we'll end off this chapter with a guest appearance by everyone's favorite Maxis child of doom...

Helena: OH HELL NO! I KNOW HOW BUGGED YOU ARE, SHARLA OTTOMAS! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Next time on the Dallas legacy...
The kids go to college!
An heir is chosen!
Danica screws more people (probably)!

Stay tuned!

Generation Two: Part One

2007-06-29T22:19:32Z

Last we left off, which was so damn long ago thanks to computer troubles that I wouldn't blame you if you'd forgotten about this legacy entirely, Danica Dallas, a romance Sim with zero nice points, unsurprisingly made enemies all over town, but somehow managed to get at least two guys to sleep with her. She got unexpectedly knocked up by one of them, though I didn't tell you who NYAH NYAH! And oh yeah, she had twins grumble grumble.

This here's Helena. Mommy's black hair, either-possible-Daddy's skintone, Mommy's green eyes.

And her brother, Hayden. Mommy's black hair, Mommy's skintone, and... gray eyes?

Ding ding ding! We have a match!

Danica is a surprisingly good mother. She's the first Sim I've ever, ever seen who puts the baby back in its crib instead of dropping it on the floor.

Helena wasn't so impressed.

I've never seen a Sim do that either. I'm usually the only one clenching my fists and growling at babies.

The "I'm going to strangle you and the babies if you don't make them SHUT THE FUCK UP" face.

Uh, Danica? You know that's how screeching babies are made, right?

Birthday time! No more screeching! Hurrah! Pffffft yeah right.

They actually look like twins, and are moderately cute.

However, Hayden does bear a disturbing resemblance to a current television star. Ten thousand points to whoever can guess who.

What's this? A nanny who actually takes care of the children? THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!

False alarm.

Hayden spends his days playing in the absolutely filthy toilet. How sanitary.

While Helena floods the entire bathroom too quickly for the maid to ever fully clean it.

Where are their parents during all of the hijinx?

I should've known.

I don't know about you, but that's how I always greet my mailman!

Aww, bonding time with Daddy.

The kids do not like Kent, by the way. They may only be two years old, but they can just sense he's not their real Daddy.

Danica's aspiration level was dropping drastically and she'd had the WooHoo with 3 Different Sims want in there for a looooong time, so I said, why the hell not? and sent her downtown to find a victim. First guy she bumped into? The snowman hater himself, Gilbert Jacquet.

Danica: DO NOT WANT THE ROCKET IN YOUR POCKET.

Gilbert: REJECTION YUSS! +1000

Gilbert: I am so sorry for destroying your snowman that one time. Please let me make it up to you by smashing this guy's teeth in!

This Guy: wut

Then there was Mr. Snakeskin Jacket Hottie, whose sperm I would not have minded stealing, but he wasn't into Danica. Whatever, but beware: your sperm will be mine.

Some Guy: I like pepperoni pizza, long walks on the beach, and video games.

Danica: OMG NO WAI I LOVE VIDEO GAMES!

Danica: So, sex now?

Clearly, she went home unsexed.

She still doesn't mind Kent taking a shit in her general vicinity. Truuuuue looooove!

So I figured it was time for them to get married, and what's more romantic than getting married at home in your underwear surrounded by poopy potties?

Something tells me the maid wants a threesome.

She's all into the coffee pot, too. Kinky!

There were birthdays. I think they're both a little awkward-looking, but we'll see.

Hayden tries to show off. He fails. Helena shows loving sisterly support.

Hayden: Mom? Hey Mom! Mom! MOM? MOM! You locked me out again! HEY! HEY MOM? MOM? MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM?

Danica: OOOOH, PRETTY STARRRRRRRRRRS

Helena wants a baby brother or sister. Kent isn't so sure Danica could keep another one alive.

Too late.

Kent: Hey hot stuff, how's it shak—

Kent: Shit, does this mean you're pregnant again?!

I bet Danica and Kent are terribly excited to have another one of these things on the way.

The Danica Dallas method to bathtub repair:

1. Scream bloody murder.
2. Bash the bloody shit out of the faucet with a wrench.
3. Repeat forty-seven times.
4. Give up and call a repairman.

UH OH. HIDE THE CUTLERY. Actually, they got along surprisingly well, and Rick called the house almost every day after that, not to speak to the object of his stalkery obsession or either of his children, but to Kent. Yeah.

Speaking of Rick's stalkery obsession... Helena is definitely his kid.

The twins' favorite thing to do ever is play catch. For hours on end. Rain or shine, sleet or snow.

Not even Helena's bladder comes in the way of her catch! Like mother, like daughter.

Honestly, though, I wouldn't want to use that toilet, either.

Oh, there is one thing Helena loves more than playing catch. Unfortunately.

Further evidence of excellent parenting: the children have water balloon fights, in the rain, in the middle of the night. Brilliant.

As soon as I bought them a lemonade stand, the Sell Lemonade want fixed itself permanently in Hayden's want box. Sadly, Helena was his only customer. Let's all point and laugh!

Mr. Snakeskin Jacket Hottie came by to get sexually harassed again, at which Hayden burst into tears and was SCARRED 4 LYFE OMG.

STOP! Baby time.

It's a boy! Just one! Hurrah! He has all of Mommy's coloring, and one of my favorite names: Troy.

Kent: YUSS! MY SPERM ROCKS! WOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh yeah. Definitely Rick's kid.

And now, a very innappropriate conversation with even more innappropriate hand gestures.

No further comment.

Danica: OMGGGG WHY WON'T THIS BITCH STOP MAKING A MESS RAAAAAAAA!

Danica: OMGGGG WHY IS THIS BITCH TAKING A BATH WHEN I NEED TO TAKE A BATH GRRRRRRRRRRR!

Kent: Good job taking care of my progeny, woman!

Danica got herself a new boy toy.

Boy Toy: Imma open up yo box and git all up innit, shawtie!

Yeah, I've fallen for that line before, too.

Danica: OMGGGG WHY WON'T THIS BITCH STOP CRYING AND GET OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN GO GET LAID GAAAAAAAAH!

Helena: Dear LiveJournal, I hate the nighttime because that's when my Mommy has sex with men who aren't my Daddy.

Helena: FIREMEN SUCK TOO.

So, the deed was done.

Meanwhile, outside the house...

Kent: Lalala, that was a nice day at work—hmmm. Something's wrong.

Kent: Something... something... but what?

Kent: Wait a minute, was that sidewalk always there? No, no, that's not it...

Kent: Yes, something definitely feels off. Something...

Kent: OMG I KNOW! That guy's head is on backwards! WHOA!

Kent: Hi honey! What did you do today?

Danica: Oh, you know, made lunch for the kids, read the newspaper, had sex with that guy over there.

Kent: OMGWTFNINJATURTLE! YOU WHORE! HOW COULD YOU!

Boy Toy: Oh yeah, baby, take that slap. Take it nice and hard. You like it, you like it because you're bad.

Danica: BITCH! HOW DARE YOU GET UPSET AND SLAP ME JUST BECAUSE I SLEPT WITH ANOTHER MAN! IT'S NOT LIKE I TOOK VOWS WITH YOU OR ANYTH—oh.

Kent: Hmmm. Why was I upset again?

Danica: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Danica: So, that was great, let's do it again sometime!

Helena: EVERYONE LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE WATCH ME DO A CARTWHEEL DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO MY WHORE OF A MOTHER!

Hayden: Mom cheated! Isn't that funny!

Helena: I WILL DROWN MY RAGE IN BUBBLES.

She cheers up when she brings home her first A+ report card. Unfortunately, Kent is too busy picking his nose and talking to Rick on the phone to notice.

Then this random nanny shows up and starts manhandling Troy. This is clearly not the original nanny that I had fired a long time ago. WTF?

Time for Troy's birthday! I bet you'd forgotten all about him, didn't you.

Please be cute please be cute please be cute!

AND THE VERDICT IS...

SQUEEEE!

SQUEEEE!

SQUEEEE!

SQUUUWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!11??1//11?!1!?

D:

Next time on the Dallas legacy...
Will Troy grow into his... awkward features?
Will Helena finally snap and kill Danica in her sleep?
Will Hayden get even remotely more interesting?
Will Danica pop out more kids?

Stay tuned!

Generation One: Part One

2007-05-23T01:01:20Z

The creators of the Mayfair Legacy and the Foxworth Legacy now bring you a new legacy... a legacy with absolutely no drama, no scandal, and no storyline. And very possibly, no point.

Meet Danica Dallas. Danica is your ordinary legacy founder: no money, no skills, and no friends. Oh, and no backstory. But there is one thing that sets her apart from most other legacy founders.

She's a romance Sim.

Danica Dallas

Aspiration: Romance
LTW: Become Professional Party Guest

Zodiac: Aries
Sloppy/Neat: 6
Shy/Outgoing: 9
Lazy/Active: 6
Serious/Playful: 4
Grouchy/Nice: 0

Turn ons: Blonde hair and swimwear
Turn off: Stink

Yes, zero nice points. She makes this face a lot.

But come on. You'd make that face too if you had to live in a tiny shack like this.

The first thing she decided to do was read a smutty novel. She is a romance Sim, after all. Plus we couldn't afford any other form of entertainment.

Some ugly guy from the gardening club came by, fortunately, since Danica's social bar was dropping quickly. Unfortunately, she wasn't interested in talking to him.

She did get along famously with the mailbox, though.

Uh oh. She's hungry. You know what this means: fire, destruction, possibly hot firemen...

Well look at that! She didn't burn her first meal! This must be some kind of record.

The welcoming committee finally showed up, but once again, Danica wasn't too impressed. She did not like Checo Ramirez at all.

And she got into a fight with Florence Delarosa about a violion.

Since she had exactly $3 in her pocket, she broke out some freestyling in hopes of earning some cash. Stephen Tinker got down, got down, and moved it all around, but didn't tip her. Bastard.

That night, some guy called to ask her downtown. Danica wasn't into that, surprise surprise, but downtown equals both baby-making and money-making opportunities, so I sent her on her merry way.

This was the group that showed up. Hmm. Which one of these things doesn't belong?

I immediately sent her to the DJ booth. Now, I've never seen a Sim with no creativity points try to DJ before. So I was fully unprepared for the hilarity that followed.

She couldn't work the controls too well—or, you know, at all—and ended up playing something from a Disney movie for a few minutes before realizing it probably wasn't what the patrons of a club called Crypt-o-Night wanted to hear.

Then she dropped her headphones. Pfft, who needs coordination, anyway?

And now Danica shows us that she can make many faces besides her signature scowly face. This is her "I dropped my headphones how embarassing but hey I'm really cute so forget it ever happened kthx" face.

This is her "OMG LOOK AT THE ASS ON THAT GUY" face.

And her "Did I forget to put on deodorant this morning?" face.

And my personal favorite...

Yeah. I can't stop laughing long enough to think up a title for this face.

Clearly she wasn't meant to be a DJ, so I sent her over to the bar to mix some drinks. Her special secret ingredient: her own hand.

Strangely enough, Mrs. Crumplebottom was her first customer. Let's hope the delicious hand cocktail will save Danica from future purse beatings.

And now it's time for... THE MANHUNT.

Unfortunately, the hottest guy in the place was also a jerk who didn't like Danica. How dare he.

Hef here wasn't into her, either. Oh well. We don't want that smoking jacket in our legacy, anyway.

There were more ~~men~~ idiots, but suffice it to say the night did not end happily.

Even worse, Danica had to get up at 5:00 the next morning for her first day at her job as a golf caddy. Glamourous!

Apparently she wins at life, and was promoted on the first day! Which meant another shift for her new position later that night. Uh, no. She called in "sick."

Lying is fun!

Oh, look at this! Spaghetti, not burned! She really does win at life!

She's also semi-obsessed with cleaning, even with only six neat points. Seriously, is she the most awesome legacy founder ever or what? (Okay, I might be a bit biased.)

She still has her hang-ups about certain musical instruments, though.

And she seems to get along better with animals than humans. Which would be kind of weird if I wasn't sort of the same way.

She's enjoying her job as a gas station attendant a bit too much if you ask me.

Danica came home with another promotion to convenience store clerk, which I somehow don't think she liked as much.

BUT LOOK WHAT SHE BROUGHT HOME!

He immediately nailed her with a balloon, and I fully expected her to throw a tantrum and work an argument about a violin into it, but...

She smiled and laughed. This is a good sign!

This wasn't autonomous, since Danica kind of sucks at being a romance Sim and never does anything romantic autonomously, but anyway, she didn't growl at me when I told her to do it, and it ended with plus signs for both of them. More good signs!

You can tell he likes her because he sat through this tantrum without fleeing in terror.

And you can tell she likes him because she watched him take a dump and still wanted to make out with him.

Oh yes, they're a match made him heaven, surely.

The next morning, this chick who neither Danica nor I have ever seen before came by to knock over the trashcan.

Bitch better learn not to mess with Danica Dallas.

She came back a few hours later to steal the newspaper. The rotting, molding newspaper that's been sitting there for a day and a half. Ooh, she sure showed us!

She finally noticed I bought her a stereo! Can we get a close-up on that face?

The "I'm so hardcore that I make falling down look good and if you dare say otherwise I will so throw a drink in your face" face.

The first day of winter brought a huge snowstorm. Apparently Danica just loves snow!

She loves it so much that she built me my first autonomous snowman!

'Sup, Santa.

She took a nap and then finished the snowman in her jammies. And she didn't even get close to freezing. Seriously: wins at life.

So she went on a date with her hunky blonde coworker, who does have a name and it is Kent Whitaker.

He got handsy.

So did she. ('Sup, Mrs. Santa.)

She rolled a want I don't think I've ever seen before. Well, who am I to deny her carnal desires?

This is her "I'm so gonna get laid" face.

And that she did. And they got married and had five babies and lived happily ever after the end.

Or not. Remember! Danica's a romance Sim, and thus monogamy gives her headaches.

Yet... she's too much of a bitch to bag any other men. Take Gilbert Jacquet, for instance. Their first conversation lasted about seven seconds and left her with a relationship score of -5 with him. Good job, Danica!

Though clearly Gilbert isn't quite a ray of sunshine himself.

Florence Delarosa was outraged at the destruction of the snowman. Outraged! Danica was... kind of confused at who she was supposed to be mad at. Then again, Danica's mad at everyone.

See?

Mailman: No, I will not fertilize your eggs, ma'am.
Danica: WHATEVER, YOU'RE POOR ANYWAY.

Really, how could he resist her charms?

Danica and mailman Rick Bailey went on a date, and again she rolled the want to bring him home, the little tramp.

Could you stand any closer, buddy?

Guess so.

This is the PG-13 version.

He got out of bed immediately afterward, and I thought he was one of those wham-bam-thank-you-ma'amers, but he didn't leave the house.

Instead, he went around to Danica's side of the bed, and stared at her for a few minutes.

Then he sat down on the couch, and continued to stare.

Then he went back to her bedside and stared some more.

And just to prove he is indeed a stalker of the creepiest kind...

He went through her garbage.

Well, at least he's good for something.

In other news: Danica still hates everyone.

Oh, and random walkby chick turned out to be a stalker, too. Great!

Oh, what's this?

Yeah. It's that. Now, I've had the risky WooHoo hack installed for god knows how long, and it's never given me an accidental pregnancy... until now. Figures.

She called Kent over, hoping he was the father, because he's better-looking and has blonde hair and a way cooler name and oh yeah, isn't a creepy psycho stalker. He seemed pretty happy to see her growing belly, but that might be because his turn-off is fitness, I'm not sure.

He moved in and immediately burnt an entire batch of hamburgers. Please note Danica still has not burnt anything.

She is also still a clean-freak, even during her pregnancy. God, I love her.

Oh dear. I have a bad feeling about this.

Even Mr. I Like Fat Girls can't handle the monstrous stomach of doom, and starts getting bitchy with Danica for no apparent reason.

He wasn't opposed to hitting the sheets with her (and the entire football team living in her abdomen), though. How romantic.

Danica, however, would rather be doing other things, like playing SSX3, which has become a new obsession for her since I made the terrible mistake of buying her a computer. She makes a beeline for it every chance she gets even when her bladder and energy bars were in the red. (Notice the yawn.)

Oh Danica, that is not an appopriate way to greet your other lover/possible babydaddy while your other lover/possible babydaddy is asleep in the house.

It is also inappropriate to piss yourself in front of him. This is why going to the bathroom should be a priority above SSX3.

Obligatory labour shot!

And here she is, firstborn of the Dallas legacy: Helena Dallas!

...no.

NO.

Hayden Dallas, otherwise known as ARLKJCXCERCUELRJKCECJLXKEJRBNXCA NOT TWINS AGAINNNNNNNNN OMG.

Next time on the Dallas legacy...
Are twins truly taking over the world?
Will Danica finally burn down the house?
Will the creepy psycho stalker return?
Who yo babydaddy?
And other awesome stuff that hasn't even happened yet!